Rain Walk
by RavenAK
Summary: The first story I dare to publish. Inspired by a stormy night. YohxAnna. Read and review. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

"Rain Walk"

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the computer and the inspiration, which this time worked with a Mozart song, "Lacrymosa"

By the way this is written in Anna's POV

Hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think, please

----------

When will the rain stop falling? I wonder as I move my eyes from the cloudy sky to the wet floor. People keep passing in front of my eyes, running away, like scared from whatever the god from the skies has in store for them. And they keep running, as rain keeps falling, and the sky keeps getting darker and darker. A thunder echoed throughout the city, as a lighting appeared just for a brief moment, making everything so clear.

I get up from my spot and start walking, so contradictory considering the hurry everyone is in. And I'm not happy, yet not sad. I'm not angry, yet not even disturbed. I'm alive and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I start looking at my wet shoes, as I keep walking, passing in front of every kind of living person. Frightened, they just stay wherever they are and try to keep themselves warm. But I don't care, for I consider rain is just a metaphor for our own actions.

I'm not afraid of anything...

I repeat to myself in my mind.

I have lived through so much worse than just a couple drops in my head and the sound of thunder every once in a while. I have known what real coldness is, not just a cold breeze hitting your back, not just the missing of a fireplace. The feeling of being left out in a place you've never been before, where no face is familiar and you feel nothing but an absolute loneliness and pain.

That's real coldness.

I have been dead in life. Not a simple pure depression about being kicked out of your job, I mean seeing things that no one could understand, things you could never explain, and things no one wants to know.

I have known exactly what a soul is, not just guessed it, but known it from first hand.

I have seen the face of death... I have seen it in its purest, yet scariest form. And it's not even similar from what any imagination can get. And I have survived.

I'm not afraid of anything...

Then, I feel the strange urge to stop, as I move my head to a side, and see it just standing there. The road to my home. It's so cloudy I hadn't even noticed it. So I walk through it, the mist getting deeper and the rain falling harder. I can't see anything, but I know home is at the end of it.

Home...

When did I start calling our house that way? Maybe since I got used to our presence in there.

Since we first had breakfast together, since we always came back to it after school, since we shared a futon once...

It is not the house that gives me the feeling I'm home.

It's you.

I can't spend a whole day without your silly smiling face popping up in my head. I had been thinking enough about myself, and now I was thinking about you all over again. I stop again. This time I can't see anything. Apparently there's no electricity, and the sky looks black as the drops keep getting thicker and falling faster. If I don't get a cold tonight, it will be a miracle.

Yet, I know this is the road. I always know what I'm doing...

Now I REALLY don't see anything. I don't even know if I'm gonna crash against something, but I know there's no one else. I could feel people's presence if they were here, but there's no one, of that I'm sure.

I'm so friggin' tired, I just wanna go home and rest. Maybe I'll take a bath and eat dinner. Dinner... I forgot to tell you to make dinner, but you should know by now it's your job! I hope you made it anyway, or else hell will sound a lot more like a lullaby compared to what I'll do.

I start to hear footsteps. The sound of shoes against water is an incomparable sound. I lift my stare from the floor to the front to see... Nothing! Everything looks damn black! I prepare myself for whatever comes... maybe some idiot wants to take advantage of the lack of light and steal my precious money. I put my hand in my pocket and hold my wallet tightly, waiting to see the moves of the other person.

The footsteps come closer, actually, they sound like wooden shoes. Who the hell wears wooden shoes in this weather? I walk to a side so the person and I won't crash against each other, and I hear him or her pass next to me and then go on. Now that the footsteps are heard far away again, I continue with my slow walk.

I think I only walked two steps when I sneezed. The rain had decreased a little bit but the air was still cold, and, I had got myself wet for some while.

"Bless you" I hear a familiar voice tell me. Where the hell was that coming from? I turn around to see who's there, under this damn storm and darkness, and then, like it was a scene from a movie or something, the electricity comes back.

I immediately turn around and see you standing there, with your wooden shoes, your coat and an umbrella... and I'm shocked.

It's no big deal actually... you're coming from home and I'm going there, you come in the opposite direction like any other day. But why is tonight different?

Is it because it's raining? Because it's dark and dangerous? Because I'm wet and you're not? Why am I so impressed to see you, like I had never seen you before?

"Are you ok?" was the only thing you said... you just stood there looking at me, not surprised to see me, not scared, but... worried? Do you ever worry about anything?

"If I'm ok you ask. It's been raining for about 2 hours, I'm all wet, I think I got sick and..." I said in the coldest tone I could fake, but before I could finish you come and put me under the umbrella with you.

"I understand" you cut me off with a single sentence and that stupid smile of yours that always makes me melt inside. "Let's go home now".

You start walking and leave me behind, I'm again impressed that nothing seems to bother you, not even my cold attitude towards you or the fact I seem to blame you for things that aren't your fault. When you notice that I stand in the exact same spot while you have already walked a few steps, you come back to get me.

"Come on, we're close to home now" you said smiling in a sweet low tone. This time I just stand there looking at you, impressed, that nothing I ever do makes you hate me, or at least keep a little resentment for me. But then, I can't let my guard down now. I change my expression to a mad one, and take the umbrella from you, walking by myself with it.

The truth is... I am afraid of something.

I am afraid that, one day, you will realize how unhappy you are with me, and you will get away and find happiness somewhere else. And it's not because I don't want anyone to have you, it's because I don't know if that person will love you as much as I do and could break your heart. And I'm afraid that, even though you're always happy, nobody has what you deserve to be given.

I don't know why, but I suddenly stopped in the middle of the road, with tears in my eyes, although they could not be distinguished because of the rain. I slowly turn around to where you are, still there, getting wet, and I look at you.

You don't even seem bothered by the fact I took the umbrella you offered to me so nicely from you, and that now you're getting all wet without any need. You're still there, waiting to see what I'm gonna tell you.

"Yoh..." I start looking right into your eyes. "Why didn't you wait in the house?"

"I...um..well, I... I..." Typical. It's the typical answer I get from you everytime I ask something out of the blue. Maybe you're scared that I will beat you up if you say something wrong, but I'll yell at you anyway if you don't say anything.

"Answer me!" After a little scare, you finally put yourself together.

"Because it had been a long time since you left and..."

"And?"

"I... I decided to come to pick you up to make sure you were ok"

"Did you think I would get lost or something?" I ask raising an eyebrow, although inside of me I'm feeling confused, for you were worried about me.

"No... but..." You scratch the back of your head and look at the ground. If only you knew how incredible you make me feel when you do that. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry"

That's not exactly what I wanted to hear. But what did I want then? There is just one single thing I want to know and it's better if I just ask him directly.

"Yoh, why are you still with me?" I can feel myself blushing as I ask. We're engaged, for God's sake, why the hell do I have to blush when I ask my fiancé a simple question like that?

"Wh-What?" You must be as confused as I am, or maybe more. You must be wondering why am I asking you this weird things.

"Why... after all these years of training and punishment, why are you still with me?"

You seem to be processing it for a while, and then all confusion disappears from your face and is replaced with one of those loving smiles.

"That's very simple." You say it like I just asked you what colour is the sky. "It's just because I love you."

Now I'm really blushing, so I look at the ground and try to analyse it, but I can't, I just can't find anything that makes sense.

"You make it all sound so simple... always" I say still looking at my wet shoes.

"It is. It's not hard to understand. At all"

Somehow, I've always considered you a philosopher. You have your own way to do your things, to think, to decide what's best for you and everyone around you, and you always make it through. And it's just one of the million reasons why I admire you and want you to be happy ever after, with all the things you deserve.

"From all the people in the world... Why me?" I ask you now looking right into your eyes, waiting for a sincere answer.

After another sweet smile and a brief thinking, you answer me with another question.

"Why me?" you ask me now, do you think this is a game? I asked you a real question. Now I'm really mad. You don't take me seriously, do you? Without a second thought I slap you in the face.

"Idiot!" I yell at you. "I don't even know why I started this conversation with you!" I yell as I turn around to keep walking away from you.

And even though I've lived so much,

though I learned how to hate before I learned how to walk,

though I have seen the face of death and have been dead in life,

nothing has been as painful as you.

As painful as your words, or your silence

As painful as the things you do and the things you don't

As painful as your beauty or your love

As painful as knowing that the only reason why I have you is because you were forced to

and because you feel pity towards me...

I don't deserve your love, and I'll never have it

but I'm not asking for it either, for you shouldn't waste it on me...

I'm now a few steps away and I'm crying like an idiot. I'm trying to get home as quickly as possible to lock myself in my room and cry my eyes out. But then you're holding me back, taking my hand in yours.

"Let go! If you don't let go now I'm gonna kill you!" I yell trying to scare you away, but my voice broke and instead I sounded like a defenceless baby struggling for life. Then you take the umbrella from my other hand and throw it to the floor. "What's the matter with you?!" I keep trying to sound as scary as I wished to, but then you take my other hand, and without anyone's permission, you kiss me on the lips.

I could get away if I wanted to, I could still kick you, or bite you. But I don't. I seriously don't want to, 'cause this is calming me down. I close my eyes, tears still coming out of them and the rain falling all over me. That's when you deepen the kiss, moving your face a little and allowing me to taste more. You move your hands from my wrists to my shoulders and slowly put your face away from mine.

After the kiss is broken, you're only inches away from me, like you could shut me up again if you wanted to. I can't stop looking at your eyes, and I'm sure I must be blushing like crazy now. You have a serious expression, and seem to be analyzing mine.

"You still haven't noticed that we're just meant to be?" you ask me softly almost in a whisper. "I thought you already knew, that everything I do, I do it because all I want is to see you smile. I thought we didn't need to say anything to know what we're thinking, I thought that it was obvious..." you keep telling me.

I can't stand that stare anymore, so I try to look down, even though it's almost impossible. "But I was wrong" you continue, and saying this you softly lift my chin and I open my eyes. "And I'm very sorry"

I don't know what to say, I try to look to a side to avoid your stare. "We should go home now. I've got myself very wet, and I could get a cold..." I try to change the topic. Surprisingly, you just let go of me and go pick the umbrella and give it to me. I take it and prepare to leave, and you're just walking next to me, but not WITH me.

We walk all the way home, yourself getting wet all the time, but as usual, not caring. When we get home Amidamaru just shows up and starts talking to you, saying he was worried and all that, and I just throw the umbrella on the floor and walk straight to my room.

Just like I wanted, I locked myself in it and threw myself to the floor to start crying. Why? Why after all the nice things you said, am I still sad? What has changed?

I wish...

I could just fall asleep and never wake up,

so you could have the life you always wanted

without having me there disturbing you.

----------

So, should I continue? Should I stop forever? Let me know what you think by leaving a small review for me. Thanks for reading


	2. Chapter 2

So people... here's chapter 2 Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me! I hope you enjoy this one This time it wasn't raining here, but I used my imagination, and I got inspiration from Freud XD (Don't worry, no classes here… just the usual narration XD)

Ok, now, read on! O

----------

I'm freezing... It's my first thought when I open my eyes after who knows how long. When did I fall asleep? What time is it? Where the hell am I? I'm just waking up and everything's so confusing. My eyes are getting used to the lack of light, and everything's dark. I hear the sound of thunder far away... it's still raining. So I guess not a long time has passed since I came back home. Then I realize where I am. I'm lying on the floor like a piece of garbage, right next to the door. I must have fallen asleep while I cried. The floor is so cold, I can feel it in my bones. I try to get up but I feel numb. What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be strong, ain't I?

I put all my efforts on getting up and I even make a sound of pain. I localize the light switch and turn it on. Yes, I definitely fell asleep next to my bedroom's door. Then my sight turns blurry and I lose my grip, having to support myself with the door. I'm not feeling good. Not at all. My head is hot but the rest of my body is freezing. Damn. I got sick, I knew I would.

I have known what real coldness is...

I am used to experience it.

Then why do I feel like I can't take it?

I probably got a fever, after spending so much time out in the rain. It's ok, it'll be gone in a couple days if I rest enough. I think I need to sleep in my futon now, but I need to change my wet clothes into my yukata. My soft and comfortable yukata, which is in the bathroom. Great. Now I have to walk all the way to the bathroom, barefeet and wet.

I slowly open the door, not in purpose, but because I don't have the strenght to open it faster, I take a step outside and then close it behind me. I start walking, trying to look at the floor, to avoid getting dizzy like I did a while before, but it's not helping. I can't stand my focus and I feel like every part of my body is forcing me to go to sleep.

I had never felt the bathroom was so far. When I finally get to it, I'm glad to see the door is open. At least I won't have to use my effort on it. I come into it right away, and start walking straight to the bathtub, where I left my yukata this morning. Even though I can't see it, I know exactly where it is. I close my eyes to see if it helps the horrible feeling go away, and just when I'm almost there, my vision just disappears, I lose my grip like a drunk person, and I feel myself falling so slowly, like in a dream. It wasn't a sudden fall, it was like a leaf falling from a tree. Slowly, quietly, like dancing.

I can feel my eyes closing slowly the more I fall, and when I'm on the floor, I don't feel anything. For some reason, it doesn't feel cold anymore, but instead, it feels soft and warm, like I'm in my comfortable futon warmed up by my sheets.

Have I lived as much...

as to be able to change my feelings and perception?

Have I lived as much...

as to pretend that ice is hot,

and the night is clear?

As much...

as to know that even though it feels real,

it may be just my imagination?

I want to open my eyes and get up, but I simply can't. I feel like I fell on the sea and I'm underwater now. I can't see anything, and no matter how I try to move, I can't. Or maybe I can, but I just don't feel it.

"Anna! Are you ok? Answer me..." I hear far, far away from me. And even though all I wanna do is yell 'What?!' I can't even move a finger. I'm almost asleep, I'm pretty sure... and then all sounds disappear, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Am I still conscious? I think so, even though all I see is black and all I hear is my own voice, the one that talks to me in my sleep, the one I desperately try to control using my Ice Queen mask...

Am I dead? No, of course I'm not dead... I answer, reassuring myself that nothing could ever break me, that nothing could ever happen to me, for I'm invincible. I'm just sleeping, that's all. Then why am I conscious? Why do I know what I'm thinking, when everything you dream should be erased and presented just as a memory?. I ask myself. Of course, this isn't normal... what the hell happened to me? I wanna get out of this place but I can't until I get up.

If I were any other person, I would think I'm dead.

But I know exactly how death is...

and this is nothing compared to it.

I wonder where you are right now... I bet you must be worried. No, of course you're not... you never worry about anything... I bet that from the time I fell asleep, it's only been a couple minutes. Yes, that must be it. I'll wake up again and nothing will have mattered then. Then... why did you call my name and ask me if I was ok? Probably... it was just my imagination. I can't wait to wake up from this... limbo or whatever it is.

I truly hope you're not worried... I don't want to make you even more unhappy than I already do. Damn, why did I ever have to go out on such a stormy night with the excuse to buy things for the school? What was motivating me to do such stupidity?

I remember that all I wanted then was to get the hell out of there. You were acting as cute as usual, washing the dishes and doing all I told you to. It wasn't your fault. It never was. It was me. When I hurt you, you didn't know, but I hurt myself more. I felt guilty and I felt sick of myself. When in the world did I become such a cold-hearted, senseless, robotic person? And how could I, the person who hurt you the most, and made you suffer the most, love you as much as I do?

I needed to get out to clear my mind, to spend some time alone trying to think about something else. Anything. But no matter what I tried, there was nothing I could do to shake you off my thoughts. I finally realized that I was lovesick... and maybe this is the way it is manifesting. Making me not care about anything, about getting physically sick and letting myself break down, and even desiring to die.

_I wish..._

_I could just fall asleep and never wake up,_

_so you could have the life you always wanted_

_without having me there disturbing you._

I... I actually wished for this. I wished not to wake up again and I got it. I shouldn't be complaining, should I? I guess karma does work. I wished to sacrifice myself for your happiness. Me, the person that loved you the most was the one that caused you the biggest pain. And I know, that I'm cold towards everyone, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that, it's you the one that's suffering... Why? Why, from all the people in the world, why you?

_"Why me?"_

_"Idiot!"_

Was that what you meant? When I thought you were trying to play with me... were you actually asking me why did I choose you, just like I asked you why me?

I start to see a light, as the thousand questions disappear from my mind, or whatever this dark place is... I'm starting to feel my body again, and I try to open my eyes. I can. I actually can. I open them slowly and see some walls. Where am I? This is not the bathroom where I left.

I try to get up, or at least sit, but the headache is too big.

"You woke up" I hear a voice, well, your voice, but I still don't see you. "I was starting to get worried"

"Huh?... I..." No coherent sentence comes out of my mouth, I can use it, but I can't seem to talk loud, just murmur.

"It's ok... Try to rest some more if you need" Now you're standing right next to me, and I can see you completely, like an entity of light, like that creature humans call angels, like the light that has always guided me through the truth in life. And you're smiling, like always. The shiny, sweet and nice smile of yours that could melt the coldest of ice, and tear apart any mask, no matter how strong it is. "I will be taking care of you, if your fever goes high again"

I knew I had a fever... But, I didn't think it would make me faint like I did, or keep me in a state where there was just me and my mind, where nothing else existed. It's not that I couldn't take it, it's just that I didn't want to. But that doesn't matter, all that matters is that I'm here again and... there are so many things I want to tell you.

"Yoh..."

"Shhh... You don't need to speak until the fever is totally gone" you say putting your index finger on my lips, as I move my eyes to look into yours. As we're standing here, you, offering your sweetest smile to me and trying to make me feel better, and me, just looking at you and never taking my eyes off yours, I realize I could stay like this forever. You know you're the only one that I've ever loved, the only one I have allowed to see me in my weakest moments, and the only one that has ever kissed me, and yet, I'm so afraid that we could lose all that, that "us" became just "you" and "I", which I think is already happening.

I want you to be as happy as you deserve, not just the fake happiness you show to everyone with your "everything's gonna be fine" smile, but the happiness you show when you're with your friends, staring at the stars, eating your favourite food and doing all those things that make you happy. But to do so, ironically, I have to make you suffer. I have to take all those things away from you and make you concentrate on your goals. And that's why, you should hate me, but instead, you do the total opposite, you... love me?

I close my eyes again, I think sleep got over me again, and I drift to dreamland. But this time, I don't hear the voices anymore, it's not dark, and most importantly, it's not painful.

As long as you're mine and I'm yours,

I can break away from any lonely feeling.

Isn't that what love is for?

When you love someone, you trust them completely,

and if you're by my side, I'm sure nothing could ever damage me

Never again.

----------

End of Chapter 2.

Ok, let's see… Freud's influence wasn't manifested, was it? Thank God XD I didn't want it to seem like one of my classes LOL… Anyway, it was. I separated the thoughts in what I thought the Id, ego and superego would "say"… but then I put them all together again to continue with the usual narration of the previous chapter (yes, I know I'm weird XD).

So, once again, tell me what you thought about this chapter by leaving me a review O

One more time, thanks to all of you who read this!!


	3. Chapter 3

Hello once again!! Wow, I was really impressed to have received so many positive reviews from all of you! I never thought you would actually like it, I never thought I could write something actually good. Wow!! This really lifts my self-esteem LOL... So, thank you very very very very much readers and reviewers!! Love to you all, thanks for encouraging me to keep my writing :D

Anyway, let's go on with Chapter 3 :)

----------

A small ray of sun hits my cheek. Sun. Finally. I open one eye and groan a little. I'm finally feeling like myself again, my head is no longer hot and my body is not freezing. I lift my head and sit on the futon. I'm surrounded by warm blankets and a comfortable pillow. Finally. I never thought I would need those things so much. Then, I look around the place. The window practically in front of my face, the Bob posters at my sides and some old records thrown carelessly on the floor. I know it's an obvious statement, but, this is not my room.

Now, I look at my right side, and surprisingly, there you are. Sitting on a chair, with your legs supported on a table, sleeping with your mouth open. I don't know what to think, I don't know whether I should blush at the thought that you preferred to sleep over there just to keep me warm in your futon; or be just annoyed at how pitiful you look; or smile stupidly to myself and be thankful to all the gods I know that I found the most beautiful person in the world... I guess I'm gonna pick the last one.

When I'm aware of all I have

is when I realize there is so much to lose,

and the more I love you

the more I'm afraid that you'll be gone...

Even if I'm the one to scare you away.

Immediately, I get up from my spot and take one of the blankets to cover you with it. I don't recall when was the last time I did this, but I know I did, once. Now you're exactly the same, you haven't even moved a little, so I leave you there. It will take a lot of effort to wake you up and I really have no intention to.

I realize I never got the chance to take my so wanted bath, and I didn't eat anything last night either. So, I go to the bathroom to start what I couldn't finish. The walls so white and bright, the floor so damn cold, and the bathtub at the end of it. This place is not big at all. But last night, walking through it felt like walking days and days through the North Pole.

I lock the door and get in the bathtub, finally. The water's so warm and nice... Oh how I missed this sensation. I put special attention on my hair, which had been wet of rain for so long, and of course, I'm daydreaming about you all the while.

I really don't know what would have happened to me if you weren't by my side, and I'm not talking about last night, but my entire life. Where would I be now? Doing what? Probably, I wouldn't even be alive by this time... How could I defeat the darkness of my own soul without you? How could I know what hate was if I didn't know love? As I wash my entire body and feel a couple of scars, memories come to mind. Painful, heavy, blurry memories of being lost and abandoned on the road... and even though the pain is still there, I'm not void like I was when I experienced them.

When I finish my bath I change into my everyday clothes and come back to your room. You're still sleeping on the chair. I smile to myself. You're supposedly taking care of me while I'm asleep, but you haven't even noticed I'm not there anymore.

I guess you stayed awake last night... or, you're just being lazy. It doesn't matter anyway, you're you and that will never change. I leave you there and go back to my room. I had never noticed how depressing it is. All I have is a futon, a pile of magazines and a whole collection of porcelain dolls. It's not even illuminated, and to think that I chose it that way.

After waking up in your room, where a nice atmosphere is felt, my room feels empty and depressing, just like me. I'm starting to believe that the way you do things reveals a lot of your personality. Maybe that's why you always descifrated me, even though what I showed was something completely different from my real self.

I come inside and throw myself to the futon. It doesn't feel good. It's cold and uncomfortable and I feel like these dolls are staring at me. Before, I thought it was a good place, but not anymore. It's just like I used to think I was ok the way I was, and that it was the best I could ever be. But I was wrong. It was not until I met you, until I found out what happiness really is that I realized how empty and impure I was.

This dark, empty space is all I have. My futon, cold and uncomfortable like my attitude; my pile of magazines, desperately trying not to fall and make a disaster, just like my insistence on doing everything perfect not to ruin my perfect plans; and the porcelain dolls, also cold and lifeless, watching closely everything everyone, including me, does.

Suddenly, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to return to the nice futon where the sun hits your face every morning and Bob wakes you up with a smile.

All I want is to be wherever you are...

I get up again and decide to get out of the house. Even though I know I'm doing the same mistake I did last night, this time I won't let it happen. I will take care of myself and will return home immediately... I just want to get out for a while and buy something for breakfast, that's all. Anyway, you won't even notice, 'cause you're profoundly asleep and when I return you still will be.

I get ready and then get out of the house. This is a sunny morning, people is already out there walking, jogging, selling and buying and doing their regular activities. There are plenty of people to be a Sunday morning... it's usually quieter and less crowded, but it's totally unimportant. I walk to the small grocery shop and go inside, not looking at anyone. They're crazy if they think I'm gonna say hello to them and ask them about their children. I rarely see this people; they're just background to me.

It's been a long time since the last time I went to buy groceries. It's too annoying to just get out of the house and come to buy things for food. You spend more time buying and cooking than actually eating. But, this time I strangely wanted to do so, I'm not gonna wait until you wake up, and I don't want to wake you up either, not after all you've done for me.

As I try to decide what I would like to eat, I realize how expensive things are these days... I start comparing prices, taking more time than I initially thought I would. I finally end up buying just the necessary, even though they weren't as cheap as I thought.

"Good morning, are you a newbie? I had never seen you before" the cashier asks me when I go to pay.

"No, I think you're the one who's new" I answer him with no interest. Why do they insist on making conversation? Don't they know I have no interest on becoming friends with unknown people?

"I don't think so... I know everyone around 'cause they come almost every day" the guy says kind of excited... So what if he knows me or not? What difference does it make? I know I don't come too often but that's none of his business.

"Could you just charge these for me?" I ask him, absolutely ignoring his question and at the same time forcing him to do his work. The guy gives me a strange look and then starts checking the price of things.

"What a bitch..." he murmurs in a low tone, confident that I didn't hear him. Did he think that I would nicely smile to him and start making a conversation, like those idiots do on sitcoms?

"What did you say?!" I yell at him, people behind me in the line looking in shock. I can hear them commenting to each other and I can't help but yell at them too. "What?! Had you never heard someone ask that?"

"Hey, calm down, alright? Here's your crap" the jerk tells me practically throwing the bags at me.

'What's wrong with her?' 'Where did she come from?' 'So rude...' I hear them all commenting about me. What's wrong with THEM? The guy just called me a bitch, and I'm the rude one? The moron doesn't know me, and he thinks he has the right to treat me as he desires. And he also throws my things, the things I PAYED for.

I can feel the rage taking over me, and I take one of the bags and throw it at his face with all my strength. The idiot falls off his chair, of course, and the people behind me make a collective 'Oh!' and keep yelling more aggressively.

Damn society... That's why I never wanted to be around anyone. They always pretend to be so nice and perfect, treating you like you're part of their family and sharing with you all they have. But then when it's time for you to pay back all the kindness they've given to you, if you dare disobey one of their unwritten rules, the masks come off and they become one aggressive crowd with all intention to kill you.

I don't like people at all... If I could go back to past to the time where I spent the day locked away in my bedroom, I wouldn't change a thing. It's because of them and their impure thoughts and feelings, that I became the monster I am considered to be now.

"Shut the hell up! This is none of your business!" I yell at them with fury, although actually, I'm trying to put myself together. If I wanted to be angrier, I would do so, but I don't want to start a fight or anything of that sort.

I take the rest of my bags with me and try to get out of there, but the bunch that suddenly became a crowd try to stop me and insult me. Since I don't wanna hurt them the way I should, I put my head down and start pushing them away.

When I'm a step out of the place, I hear the cashier's voice and, as a reflect, I turn around.

"Hey, you forgot something!" he yells as I see him a few meters behind me, throwing my bag back at me. Clearly his intention was to throw it at my face, but I'm faster than him, so it just fell on the floor.

I look at him with all the hate I gathered in that brief moment and turn around to keep walking. I remember the first time I felt this. Back then, I subconsciously created Onis to express my hate and revenge, but I would never let that happen again. Not because I care about people at all, but because I know I would hurt myself and you, as well.

All the pain and regret supposedly disappeared from my heart since I fell in love, but the only thing that happened was that one kind of pain was replaced by another. A deeper, yet sweeter one. One that would go all the way through my dark soul and hit me in my weakest point, and then lighten up the whole space where a heart should be.

I just wanna go home now. Going out is always a bad idea. I wanna go back and lock myself in my room, or just lay to read my magazines or watch TV. I'll never show my face outside unless it's totally necessary. As I'm walking my way home, I see you coming in the other direction... This is becoming rutinary... And annoying too.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you wait in the house?" I ask you once you're close enough to hear me.

"Oh, thank God I found you!" You tell me totally ignoring my question and coming closer, looking right into my eyes with a hint of relief.

"Found me?" I say raising an eyebrow. "Where did you think I was?"

"I don't know... I woke up and you weren't there. I checked in your room and you weren't there. I checked the whole house and you weren't there... I was starting to worry, so I came out of the house to look for you"

"It doesn't matter..." I roll my eyes and try to change the subject. It's too embarrassing having to be looked for, like I was a missing child or something. "I bought things for breakfast. Well, I lost half of them, so go and buy the rest. I'll make you a list."

"Wait. You... lost them?"

"It's not important, ok? I had a problem with the cashier guy. When you go back there, tell him to return my money."

By the look on your face I can see you don't understand anything, but since when is that a problem? It's not anything new, you see...

"Hold this" I say giving the bags to you while I get a pen and a piece of paper to make the list of things you should buy.

"Good morning, Yoh" I hear a woman's voice say. Wait... why does a woman know your name? I draw my intention to the person talking to you, and I realize she was part of the crazy horde in the grocery shop. She notices my presence next to you and puts on a face of shock and horror. "Yoh, do you know this girl?"

You turn to see me with a confused expression and then nod your head when you look at her. "Yes, I know her".

"Really, Yoh?" she says with a disappointed face. "How can someone as nice as you be friends with this rude person?"

I feel rage taking over me again. What do people think they are these days? Attacking you like you were an animal, and then when you defend yourself, you're rude, impolite and a horrible person. Well, I don't care anymore. I don't care what the whole world thinks of me, just what you think.

No matter what the world says,

no matter what the world thinks,

if you still smile when you see me,

then it's not that bad, is it?

"You know how it is?" I say completely out of myself. "He's not just friends with me, we're engaged." I watch you turn completely red as I say that, and I see the woman smile to herself and keep walking.

"Poor Yoh..." she says when she's already walking away from us. "I thought arranged marriages didn't exist anymore."

How does she know it's an arranged marriage? What makes her think that? It's obvious... There's no possibility that you could ever have chosen me... It's obvious that you were forced to, and that's why you never talk about it, that's why you never mention the fact we're engaged, that's why you try to keep me in the shadows, so you don't have to admit to anyone that you're taken.

And again, I'm making you suffer... You never chose to be with me, you didn't have a choice. You're destined to spend your life with the last person you would choose, and you can't escape from that. I bet you would like to have the freedom someone your age deserves. To go out at nights, throw parties and even go on dates. But you can't. I would never let you do so, 'cause I'm so afraid to lose you.

But... how could I? You'll always be with me, whether you want it or not; you have no chance to get away even if you tried to... There's no chance I could ever lose you like that. Although, I don't think that's what it is. When I think about losing you, I think of you slipping away and doing what you want to do, of not returning home when I need you to be, of falling in love with someone and going behind my back to see her.

When I think of losing you... Do I think of you not loving me anymore?

I put my head down and start writing the list in silence. Without noticing it, I'm sad again. As sad as I was last night when you found me under the rain. Why is all so complicated? Why can't I find the answer to all these things? Why do I depend on you so much?

I give you the list and take the bags from you. I wanted to say something like "Here it is" or something simple, but I'm afraid my voice will break again. So I just leave you there and start walking in the opposite direction...

----------

Well that was chapter 3. Anyway, you know you can leave a review telling me what you thought about it, I'm always hungry for them XD

Thanks for reading! See you soon, bye!


	4. Chapter 4

Hi there, people! I'm back with more story! I'm sorry I kept you waiting. My computer died and I didn't know what to do... These have been really boring days! But as soon as I got it back I started writing, and here it is, chapter 4 :D

Once again, I'd like to thank all readers and reviewers for your support (and patience), it means a lot to me! I've been getting really good reviews and that makes me very happy! You're all really sweet:D Anyway, I hope you like this one, too.

----------

I come home with one bag on each hand, and close the door behind me. I go to the kitchen and put them on the table, and immediately head for my room. As I walk to it, I can feel the tears falling and staining my face again. Since when am I such a cry baby? When did I start becoming so weak? I don't even care anymore... There is no answer for any of my questions, so there's no point in trying to find them.

I finally reach my room, and without even bothering to turn on the lights, I throw myself to my futon and start choking my tears in my pillow. If only I could rip my heart out and never feel anything again... but, that can't be an option. I thought, that if I fell asleep forever, things would improve. But instead, when I had the chance to, I regretted it completely. There is a specific reason why I don't wanna leave this world, but I haven't found it out just yet.

I'm hungry. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, but I don't want to eat. I don't even want to stand up, I don't even want to open my eyes. Tears keep flowing as I keep on thinking, lost in my thoughts about desperation, love, pain, loneliness and death.

Love is a battlefield,

love is so bittersweet...

Why does it hurt so bad

when it feels so good?

If there was anything I could do to make the pain stop, I would've done so a long time ago... All I can do is give up and admit that I'll never stop feeling this way, that the consequence of wanting something so much, is being constantly hurt by it. I should have never asked for being loved by someone, or being taken away from my own loneliness and hate... because now I have to pay.

As I keep drowning in my own tears, I hear the front door being opened. It's obviously you, coming back from the grocery shop. Now you're probably going to the kitchen to start making breakfast as I order you to do everyday.

My initial idea was to do that for you, to let you sleep all day in a way to thank you for taking care of me, but my idea was ruined. Ruined by the people, and by myself. Now, you're the one who should pay for that, having to do it yourself as always.

I hear knocking on my bedroom's door. What the hell are you doing up here? Aren't you supposed to be in the kitchen? I'm not gonna get up to open it for you, I won't let you see me in this condition, with my face red and wet.

"What do you want?" I gather all my strength to ask in my usual demanding tone.

"I need to talk to you." you answer me with your calmed, soothing voice.

"Whatever it is, it can wait." I don't want to speak anymore. I want to stay here feeling sorry for myself.

"I don't think so..." you answer almost sighing. Something really tragic must have happened to make you so suddenly serious and preoccupied. Was it something I did? Something I said? No, of course not... I could never be the reason of anything that has to do with you.

Then, I decide I'm not going to say anything else; I'm too pitiful and lost in my own heartbreaking to care... I will lay here counting my tears until I fall asleep.

"May I come in?" you ask me after my long silence; and as soon as I hear you, I open my eyes in shock. This is the first time in our entire lives that you've asked me such thing. It was always an unspoken statement that you can't enter my room, under any circumstance. It's my private space and you have no right to invade it; so why are you asking me that? Once again, I don't answer; and you just assume that I said yes and come inside, making me even more impressed.

"What do you think you're doing?!" I ask completely freaked out by your behaviour, sitting on the futon as soon as you open the door. After closing the door, you take a seat right in front of me and put on a lovely, yet small smile.

"I told you I needed to talk to you." you answer with the same expression; somehow making me realize how horrible I must look now, with my hair messed up, my face wet with tears and my eyes red for so much sobbing. Sobbing. That's what I've been doing. Something I always criticized good girlie girls for... and now I'm one of them.

"But, you have no right to come in just like that." I say lowering my head, trying to hide the traces of sadness; even though I'd like to yell at you and beat you up, I can't do it if it's too obvious I've been crying.

"I'm sorry... but I've waited too much." Waited too much? I don't know what the hell is that supposed to mean, but I'm not gonna ask you either; no matter what, I'm not supposed to care, am I?

"Then, talk."

"Why aren't you looking at me?" I blush when I hear you ask that... I'm not looking at you because I don't want you to know that I've been crying for you. Gosh, I'm even worse than those soap operas I watch on the afternoons.

"Because I don't want to, ok?! Now just say what you have to say and leave!" I'm so mad... I don't know why. It's really nothing against you, it could never be... It's me, it's always me. I hate myself when I make you feel bad, which is most of the time.

As soon as I say that, all of a sudden, you take my face with one hand and make my eyes meet yours.

Could it be...

that even if you're not a mind-reader

you're the only one who knows what I'm thinking

just by looking at me?

I don't know how to react when I find your eyes in front of mine, I don't even know what to say. I'm just standing there looking at you like an idiot, while you're showing one of those rare, but lately, very frequent, serious expressions.

"Don't touch me!" I yell and slap you right away; turning back to avoid your stare, and wiping my tears with my hands.

"I already know what happened." I hear you say in a calmed voice.

"What?" I ask confused.

"At the grocery shop... People were commenting when I went there." I felt something inside of me being crashed. Not only I had made myself remember all the time of pain and loneliness I spent for hating everyone; but also, you found out, and must be against me as well.

"So what?!" As soon as I say that, I turn around to see you. I don't care anymore. In this very moment, I don't feel like the pathetic loser I was a minute ago. I'm not crying now. I'm mad. My eyes are full of hate and if my face is red, it doesn't matter. "Is that what you want to talk about? Is that why you wanted to talk to me so desperately? You just came to tell me, that you knew what happened with me and preach about it?"

"No..." You answer so simply closing your eyes. And even though my room's this dark, I can see the mark of my hand on your face still burning. "I think you were right all along, and he was the one who made a mistake with you."

It's hard to believe someone so nice, kind and correct could take my side on this problem, although I know I was the rude one on the case. I always am. I never treat anyone with kindness or respect. I go my way and I pity the one that tries to block me. If you're trying to defend me to make me feel better, you're so wrong. Nothing could make me feel better. If I'm not happy enough having you by my side fulfilling my every wish, I don't think anything could make me happier than that.

"So...?" I ask trying to hide all confusion; to sound like I don't care about anything you have to say.

"I told them that and... I think they don't like me anymore" you answer giggling a little; you'll always be a child, won't you? Always taking things so lightly, only seeing the simple side of everything, staying away from any kind of worry. And although it would make me desperate at first, I've realized with time that it has been your key to a true happy and tranquil life; and then I've just let you be, when everything that at first was exasperating turned into lovable.

"So... Are we banned from the shop or what?

"I don't know, but it will be kinda tough to go there again tomorrow"

"Is that it?"

"Huh?"

"Is that all you wanted to say?" You still don't understand that I'm trying to make you go... So I can keep on feeling sorry for myself and you can go to do something productive with your life.

"No, that's not all. You haven't eaten anything since yesterday."

"I'm not hungry." I lie. I am hungry, but I just don't want to stand up from this place; I think I can't even hold a fork for myself, not because of a lack of strength, but a lack of will.

"But you didn't even have dinner last night. You fainted and all that and didn't wake up until today."

I just hate to hear it. I hate the way it sounds. I fainted and didn't wake up until the next day. I haven't eaten anything... It sounds like I'm an incredibly weak little girl developing an eating disorder. And I hate myself for that even more.

"I said I don't want anything! Now leave me alone!" I yell at you with all the rage I'd like to yell at myself, putting all my effort on trying to hold back these silly tears and be the strong evil itako I am; but you don't seem bothered at all by it, and just stand there looking at me right into the eyes the whole time. I bet you must be so used to having me yell at you and treat you badly, that it's just a regular routine for you. When I finish my sentence you put your hand in my forehead and smile back.

"It's ok." you answer standing up and going to my bedroom's door. "I'm going to start breakfast in case you wanna eat later."

I stay in my position looking at you until you leave. Why do you have to be so perfect? No matter how aggressive, violent and bossy I turn, you will always be there smiling for me and trying to make me calm; trying to make me happy. Why would you even bother to? Why are you the only one in the world who ever cared to ask me how I felt, when everyone else turned around and ignored me?

_"It's just because I love you."_

I smile when I remember the simple words you told me last night, and feel this warmth that occasionally takes away the coldness of my own soul. If only I could feel it all the time, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I wouldn't have to hate myself this much.

I sigh. You already left for the kitchen and I'm still standing here exactly in the same situation. Nothing has changed. You tried to talk to me and I pushed you away again, just like I always do. No wonder why our relationship is practically inexistent. But somehow, when we look at each other, I could swear there's something there. Just a little spark of... something. Like we never need to say anything just to know what we want; like we know exactly what we're thinking without needing to ask; like just being around you lets me know what's the right thing to do.

Then why am I so scared? Why do I insist on finishing all that and go back to loneliness? Why, if it's so painful, I still can't get out of it?

The more I love,

the more I hurt myself.

But the more I try to kill love,

the more I destroy myself.

So will I love you or hate you?

That's the question...

I lay back on my futon and look at the ceiling. Does everyone go through this kind of dilemmas? Should everyone suffer so much to achieve happiness? Does everything that makes you happy should kill you at the end? I think that's the most important part of life.

So if it's this hard now, how will it be in the future? How will it be when we finally get married? I shiver at the simple thought of our lives together. How awkward. How painful. For the both of us. But at the same time, how beautiful. How wonderful. Probably just for me. You don't deserve to spend your life with someone you don't want. The fact you said you love me doesn't mean anything. I'm sure you love everything, from people to oranges. From stars to hot springs. It could mean, that I'm just one of the other things that hold a small place in your heart. That no matter how horrible I am, you always make sure I'm alright, just like you do about everyone. Only to keep a balance where everyone gets their way and you watch them happily.

But then... I'm starting to remember the rest. You kissed me, you told me that we were meant to be, that you would do anything to see me smile. I blush like crazy at the memory, one that I'll always remember. So that, that's not something you say to everyone, is it? And plus, you were the one to find me in the bathroom, take me to your bedroom and take care of me through the whole night. And I haven't even thanked you.

I tried to, I had the intention to buy something and make breakfast for us, just today. But my plan was ruined, just like any of my efforts on trying to answer your kindness correctly... So what? I'm not supposed to give up just because the stupid people ruined my morning, am I? If I can't do what I initially wanted to, then I'll do another thing. I'll go and tell you to stop cooking and take your place.

I get up and go down the stairs, heading to the kitchen where I see you working hard on what will be the first meal of our day. As I come closer to you, you turn around to see me and smile.

"Hi. It will take a while to be done, I just started a few minutes ago."

"It's ok. You go to rest and I'll take care of it." I take a spoon and take your place, causing you an indescribable expression.

"A-Are you ok? You don't really have to do it."

"I'll do it, now leave."

"But-"

"I said I'll do it!" I yell, making you disappear in a second.

As I continue what you started, I feel more relieved. Now instead of doing any housework, you're taking a time off and I'm thanking you in the only way I know: taking back punishment and giving satisfactions instead. Even though I didn't treat you very kindly, the intention is there. And you know better than anyone that my words don't necessarily match my feelings.

When I finish, we sit down to eat in absolute silence. I'm not going to say anything, I don't HAVE to say anything, And neither do you. But by the way you're eating it, I can tell you like my cooking better than your own. I smile a little to myself. This feels good. It could be like this all the time. If we worked harder on it, we could actually feel good in moments like this. But we don't need to. We have our own way to do things, and we're not at all like any engaged couple.

You finish a while before I do, and pick up your dishes to go wash them. I don't say anything about it... I could have cooked, but that doesn't mean I'll be as kind as to wash the dishes too. Then what? Making lunch and dinner also? That'd be too much for someone like me.

When I finish, I take my plates to the kitchen, where you're still washing yours.

"What's taking you so long?" I ask you when I see you still doing the same.

"I'm sorry, I'll hurry up." You answer smiling in such a cute way, like it made you so happy to be doing these kind of things. Nobody likes housework, especially you, being such a lazy person. So why are you smiling even in this situation? I wish I knew why you're so happy all the time... Maybe just because you're optimistic, or maybe something motivates you to remain like that even in the worst of situations. Either way, it doesn't matter. As long as you're always happy, that's all I care about.

I turn around. I don't know what to do now. It's a boring day. I think I'll just go to watch TV or listen to my CDs, I don't really know. I turn on the TV to see what's on. Just a boring "horror" movie, a talent show and a cheesy soap opera. I think I'll choose the third one. I've always watched these things for a reason, one I don't know yet. I specially like the endings, where everyone lives happily ever after. Maybe because that comes so far away from reality, maybe because I would love to think life was like that, or just because I want to get away from my own life and concentrate on someone else's. That's probably why I know all about celebrities, too.

As I start watching it, I hear you finish your business in the kitchen and get out of it. It's a really, really boring day, just like most weekends. The soap opera isn't very interesting either; I've watched better ones than this. It's one of those stupid girls who is supposedly in love with a guy, but for some reason sleeps with every other character; it makes me sick. The worst part is that she gets the guy she "loved" at the end, without even having to fight for him.

"What are we doing now?" I hear your voice getting me out of my thoughts. I turn to my side and see you sitting next to me in front of the TV. It was kind of surprising, since I didn't expect to see you appear there so suddenly, but you're in your right; this is your house too.

Well, actually, this is your house, period. In a deeper thought, I don't belong to this place, I don't really own anything. I grew up being raised by your family, like it was my own. I had a room in a house that belonged to your family, I ate the food your family provided for me, and I was taught and educated by them too. Nowadays, I'm engaged to an Asakura member, I live in his house and consider his family as my own. I never really knew what it was like to have a normal life or have a home... until you came.

And no matter how much the pride,

or the resentment.

Wherever your wings are resting

there I will find my nest.

Some seconds have passed since you asked me that and I still haven't answered. I don't really know what to say, at this point I'd probably tell you to do some training to keep you busy, but I really don't think it's necessary. You've become really strong, and you always find a way to amaze me on how much you've grown, and yet kept your sweet innocence. I don't think any training I could think about could make you stronger than you already are, for your strength is found on something deeper inside of your heart. Your will, your power of decision, your courage... I guess trainings became more like some sort of a routine, to have you doing something and keeping you away from me, so we wouldn't have this kind of awkward conversations.

"I don't know..." I say tranquilly, moving my eyes to the TV screen once again, although I didn't really care for what I was watching. In my mind, it sounded like the perfect answer; in reality, not so much. It sounded careless and simple, but it's ok, to be me.

"Would you..." You start in an uncomfortable tone, the kind you use when you're asking me permission to go somewhere with your friends. I'm not gonna go through the whole process of asking you what do you want a zillion times, pretend to be a little cold, think of a punishment and then finally letting you go; I'll just skip to the last part, I'm not really in the mood for any of those. Not today.

"Yes, I'd let you go out if you want to. Just make sure you're here by dinner time." I say still not moving my eyes off the TV, using my traditional 'Leave-now-before-I-change-my-mind' tactic.

"No, that's not what I wanted to ask."

"Then what do you want?" I say moving my eyes back to yours, making you as nervous as usual.

"I was... just wondering if... I don't know... if maybe... you would... if we could..."

"Speak as a normal person!" I yell, scaring the hell out of you and making you blurt it out all of a sudden.

"I was wondering if you would go with me somewhere!" You say loudly, forced by me. Your face is completely red, and I assume mine must look the same, for my cheeks feel warm and my heart is beating faster than normal. Why is it? It shouldn't be like that. Can't two people go out together without having to blush like crazy and feel nervous about it? It's not like you're asking someone if they'd like to go to the prom with you, it's not like confessing your platonic love what you feel about them, it's just some guy asking his fiancée if she wants to go out with him. It should be normal. It should be rutinary. It should happen more often.

So... why am I feeling this way? It's not our first date or anything. We've never had the need to go on dates, we've been engaged since we were ten and all from then has been unspoken. I guess now's the time for the answer, isn't it? We've been standing right here for probably five seconds, which is practically nothing, but when you're nervous and thinking this fast, it can become an eternity. Do I really want to go? I think I should first know where we're going. We're just doing this for boredom, right? What the hell, there's nothing good on TV anyway...

"And... where would we go?" I ask as soon as I return to a normal expression and try to avoid your stare, sounding as cold as I can pretend to be.

"I don't know... we don't have too much money to spend, but we could go to a park, I guess..." You answer after thinking about it for a brief moment; I smile inside, you have finally learned the value of money and acting like I would.

"Yeah, I guess." It's not such a bad idea, right? It's for free, and it wouldn't kill me to breathe some fresh air for once. I turn off the TV and get up. "I'll get ready now."

You nod your head with a big silly smile on your face as I walk away from the TV room to my bedroom, to get ready for something I'm not too sure how will be...

----------

Well, that was chapter 4. At first I thought it'd be the last but it kind of expanded XD I hope you liked it, and once again I apologize for taking so long... I'll start writing chapter 5 as soon as my inspiration returns. Well, let me know what you thought about it by leaving a review, as usual :D

See you soon, take care, bye!


	5. Chapter 5

Hi there, people:D How have you been? I hope you're not mad at me for taking so long to put this chapter. Well, some things happened... But I guess it's no excuse. Well, well, here it is. I hope you like it, and thanks for reading me so far :D

----------

God, this is boring. We've been walking around the park for an hour already and all I see is a tree, another tree, a bench, and yet another tree... I'm starting to think we're walking around in circles, but how could I know? All trees look exactly the same. There's no way we could difference them from the rest. As if that wasn't enough, ants have been walking on my leg since we stepped into this... this huge concentration of grass and... trees, of course. I never thought I'd miss TV so much. This was a bad idea. A really bad one.

"Isn't this fun?" You ask happily looking at me with one of those brilliant smiley faces only you can put on. You're joking, right? This, fun? Walking around in circles? Wishing to exterminate all the ants of the world with just one kick? Or observing just how ridiculous these old people look jogging? What's the fun part of the whole thing?

"Are you friggin' kidding me, Yoh?" I answer as soon as I have the oportunity. "You know how much I hate it when you try to kid me with these kind of stupidity..."

"Huh? No, no, I'm not kidding. I believe this is actually fun, don't you think so?"

"Fun? What's so fun about walking around in circles?"

"We're not walking in circles. We've actually walked a long way from the entrance of the park, which is over there." You answer me so convinced of your words, pointing with your finger at the entrance of the park. Like that would change anything, like that would mean the park is fun and all is right in the world.

"I still don't think it's fun at all. There's nothing fun about just walking, in circles or not."

"Wanna sit down?" You ask me kind of concerned. You never understand anything. You're just too naïve. It's not like I'm tired of so much walking, it's more like I'm sick of it. This is what happens when you get too used to having your way all the time; then when you can't get it you get bored.

I don't answer anything. I never speak too much. Just the necessary. I'm more of a thinking person than a talking one. We continue to walk until you sit on one of the benches, and I assume I must do the same, so I follow. Right now I'm sitting right next to you, I'm looking at the grass and you're looking at what's in front of you. It's always like this. Always in silence. But still, it's not awkward. It's more like... comfortable. We're always in silence because everything we need to tell each other has been said already; and we never waste words for such purposes.

Then, I feel curious to know what have you been looking at with such interest. I turn my eyes on the same direction and there it is. People. A bunch of kids playing with a ball; the old couple jogging; a man playing with his dog; and a young girl reading a book under one of the numerous trees. Which, from all of them, are you looking at? Naturally, as a jealous wife, I immediately assume you're probably checking out the young girl, aren't you? But, another part of me starts to wonder if maybe the object of your attention is the gang of kids over there, since you never had a normal childhood and are probably dreaming of how nice it must feel to be friends with other kids and be just one regular, happy child.

The man with the dog? I don't think so, unless you find the freesbee catching a very interesting activity, and it could happen, knowing what a simple man you are. The old couple? Why would that be? What, you like elder women now, you pervert? Or are you visualizing yourself doing your everyday training even when you're old? Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe you don't have the capacity to produce such deep thoughts and analysis. Maybe you're just looking at a tree. Maybe you're lost in your thoughts and even though your eyes are over there, your mind is in another world. Or maybe you're absort looking at the girl's legs. What the hell are you looking at? It could be anything!

"What the hell are you looking at?!" I finally explode, making you jump on your own position and causing everyone to turn around to see me. It's totally irrational now, but it made so much sense in my head. I had no reason to yell all of a sudden, but it felt kind of coherent, and even right, when I was just starting to think about it. "So? Tell me! What is it?!"

"N-Nothing! I'm not looking at anything!" You try to defend yourself, and you're in your right; but now that I started I can't stop. I must continue my scene and find a good excuse to get the hell out of that place for good.

"You liar! You were looking at her, weren't you?!" I say pointing at the girl, who turns around to see me with a 'what-the-hell' expression on her face. I'm drawing everyone's attention, but it's not the first time, and probably not the last either.

"I wasn't looking at anybody!" You say shocked and at the same time ashamed of the things I'm saying, embarassing you in front of all these unfamiliar people.

"I knew I should have never accepted this! It's always the same damn thing, I'll never listen to you ever again!" I yell finally and start walking somewhere, not really caring where I'm heading, it's all the same anyway.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"It's none of your business! And don't even think of following me!" I walk in a faster pace, as always feeling heartbroken and shattered on the inside, but keeping my stupid pride intact.

I walk as fast as I can, noticing with the corner of my eye how everyone in the park watched the whole scene and are now giving me a strange look. I'm not gonna run, that'd be too overdramatic.

I'll just walk. I don't know how long, all I know is that I'll keep walking and that's it. I turn around to see if you're following me, and surprisingly you're not. I thought you would, since lately you've been a concerned person and have been following me and looking for me. It's kind of disappointing, but why? I was expecting you to follow me, so I could slap you, drain my whole fury in you and then go home; but now I really don't know what to do.

I find a little road that leads somewhere dark between the trees, and I follow it. Follow it for no reason though, since I don't even know where it's leading, but it's all the same. I'm lost anyway. I slow down my pace and walk through the road. There's no one here, just more trees around me like in the rest of the park, but this part is darker. I guess they're covering the sun completely, and the grass is completely wet, giving me even more itch on my legs than the one the ants have already caused.

I try not to think about what happened back there on the bench. I was stupid once again. But this time it was worse, you weren't even talking to me. You weren't even looking at me. You weren't even noticing me. Maybe that's why I did the whole thing. I guess it drives me crazy just to think that I don't even deserve a little bit of your attention, that sometimes you even forget that I exist. I took it for granted. I thought you'd always be there keeping me company, taking care of me, watching over me and always reassuring me that everything was gonna be alright, that I should never worry as long as you were always by my side. And then when you proved me wrong, when I realised that it wouldn't be like that all the time, it felt like all I believed crashed down and broke in a million pieces.

But why does it affect me? This ain't anything new. It's always been like this. Ever since we're together you've made me feel like you really feel something for me, and then when I'm completely sure that's the way it is, you leave and start ignoring me, treating me with a certain indifference.

I start to see some light. Yeah, the sun. Now I see why they're for free, they're extremely dull and boring. As I get out from the darkness of that simulation of woods, I find another zone of the park, just like all the others. I'm trying to find some bench I can sit on, for I'm tired of so much walking, and I see something the rest of the park didn't have. A lake. A really beautiful lake where the sun is reflected, and some benches where you can sit and have an amazing view of it.

You don't see this very often nowadays. Humans have destroyed practically every single manifestation of nature beauty, good thing we have parks. Dull, boring, itchy parks where you can sit and get old. I walk to one of the benches that's empty to try and rest my tired bones, but before I can reach it, it's ocuppied by a young man. I'm not gonna argue with him about it, I'm too tired to fight over a stupid bench. Plus, there's an empty one right next to it. I sit on it and contemplate the lake. It's not too big or exciting, but it's still beautiful. It's not fake, and it's not contaminated, but certainly, it's anything but fun. There's nothing fun about a certain amount of water, or a not-so-green grass, or about sitting on a place to contemplate people. So I still wonder what do you think is so damn fun.

Well actually, I've never seen you get bored at anything, except when you have to do some hard work. You always find the amusing part of everything, and always look for the good side of things. If only everyone thought the way you do, the world would be a much better place. If only I did, let's face it, the world would be a better place.

I'm tired of standing here looking at the lake. I'm tired of thinking nonsense stuff. And I'm tired of waiting for a signal of whatever I have to do next. You haven't come to find me, just like you've done lately; and I'm certainly not gonna go find you. Maybe I should go home. You'll have to return at some point and life will come back to normal.

I get up and start walking by the same road I came here. If I follow it, I'll find the exit and go to my house again, where I can take a bath, kill the ants with some hot water, eat lunch and then decide what to do with the rest of my boring day. Tomorrow's a school day, so we'll be back to our everyday routine until next weekend. Life's sure boring without the tournament, the fights and the angst of speculating whether this would be your last day or not. But, this is what I hoped for so long, this is what I prayed for everytime I saw you out there risking your life. I prayed that you'd return home in one piece, with your idiotic grin and your old-fashioned headphones; that you could stay tranquilly in your home, just sleeping and eating all day, like a normal guy your age would do... And actually, I'm very thankful for this boring life, for this exaggerated tranquility, for this nonsense lack of fun. Even though you think everything's amusing.

I hope it will always remain this tranquil

and... fun?

Here I am. The place where we started. Where we had an "argument" about nothing and I took off just like that. And, there you aren't. Where in the world did you go? To go and find me maybe? To see if you could find a hot dog spot? Well, I don't give a damn. I'm going home, you'll have to return someday anyway.

I get out of the park and walk to my home, thinking about all of this day. It's barely the beginning of afternoon, I can tell by the sun; and everything's screwed up already. This was supposed to be a good day. A boring, long, but still good day. Why did I have to ruin everything?

Why do I always ruin everything? If it wasn't for my stupid, unexplainable behaviour, we'd probably still be sitting on that stupid bench watching the trees grow... But we'd be together. And you'd be happy. Isn't that the way I always want it to be?

Why do I sabotage

my very own happiness?

Is it because I'm scared

that it won't last

and I have to put an end to it

before it has even begun?

Or is it because

I can never get enough?

Whatever the problem with me is, the affected is always you. And to know that I'm the one to cause you so much pain, hurts more than all I've been through ever since I was born. My actions never reflect my thoughts... that's why nobody knows me, no one knows what I'm thinking, and I'm just a mystery bag for everyone. Except for you... You always manage to look inside of me and know exactly how I feel, never ceasing to amaze me. You know how to treat me, you know how to... tame me? After all, you're the only one in the world that has made me smile, and in this world full of phoniness and rejection, you have always been the true, honest and loving, only one.

I finally reach our house, and as soon as I enter it, I slam the door behind me. I feel... guilty, and guilt always makes me sick of myself. It's desperating, it makes me lose my temper, and it reminds me of how horrible I am. I go upstairs directly to my bedroom, and I just lay there, as usual. How boring. If only I hadn't made that scene in the park... it'd still be boring. The park's boring too. But at least, you'd be enjoying it. And that would be enough for me. But no. I had to ruin it, as always. I need to do something about this feeling. I need to do something about myself... This stupid pride will never let me achieve happiness if I keep going on like this. I'll do it. If I'm not making you any good, I will have to let go...

What does it keep me from letting you go? If I could set you free, you could go and find your happiness somewhere else. Where you belong, with someone who gives you everything you give her. But I can't. Why do I have to keep you attached to me, like it's your fate to be by my side until the day you die? Is it because I'm posessive? Too needy? Too emotionally dependant? Or is it simply because no matter what you try, you can't possibly run away from me, for it is in fact your destiny to be with me? Or maybe, I don't want to let go, 'cause I don't think anyone else deserves you. Oh well, like I did.

I won't keep falling in this vicious circle forever. I have to make a decision and make up my mind. I'm not going to escape from your multiple attempts of making conversation anymore. Or at least, I'll try...

I hate weekends... Time goes by way too slowly and there's nothing to do. It's boring, annoying and useless. I get up and go downstairs. You haven't come back. Where are you? Should I have stayed in the park waiting until you came to find me? Should I have looked for you? How much time has passed? It must be around 1 pm, so I probably should start working on lunch now. What am I even thinking? I made breakfast, why should I care about the rest of the meals of the day? Well, who cares? I don't have anything to do anyway.

It takes me about one hour to make lunch, each minute checking if you have come back. I wonder where you went, the park is not that big, although, knowing you, you could stay all day long watching a stone. On the other hand, another result of my experience knowing you tells me you can't spend a whole hour without wanting to eat. I have finished lunch, but I'm not gonna eat. I won't until you come home. I don't know why I'm so worried anyway, you could just have gone to visit one of your friends; but still I feel this... cold and void sensation inside of me. Fear? Why, if there's nothing to be afraid of...?

What else can I do while I wait? Well, I'm not alone after all. The fact that all the spirits of the house hide whenever I'm around doesn't mean that they don't exist. What am I thinking now? Am I pretending to talk to them? Talk about desperate... Well, I don't care. I bet they're bored, too. Or maybe more, since being dead definitely must be worse than being alive. Now, what am I gonna tell them? You're all I'm thinking about. Since I returned home, the usual pain is increasing faster than usual. That's it. I'll tell them to go and find you. I can't stand this desperation anymore. They don't have to drag you back here, they just have to tell me where you are and what you're doing. And I still defend myself when they call me "the wife from hell"... always controlling your life.

I call all of the spirits from the house and tell -order- them to go out and look for you all over the city if it's necessary. A little voice in my mind is telling me something's wrong, and even though another one's telling me I may be worrying too much for nothing, that one's really tiny, while the first is screaming out loud.

I sit in the living room waiting for them to come back with an answer, trying to distract myself with TV, magazines, french fries... Everything fails, I won't be tranquil until I know how are you. At least now I can show it openly, for now I'm literally alone in the house. I can bring my hands to my face as I try to wash my worries away, I can turn the TV on and off every two minutes, I can kick things away, I can show my concern. Something I don't do very often.

After about half an hour I see one of the spirits come back with no expression. Damn creature... he probably gave up on looking for you and came back, thinking I would tell him it's ok. But it's not, not at all. Thank God there's a whole family of them, so I have more chances on finding you, and shut the annoying voice in my head up.

"So... Where is he? If he's been just chilling out, while I've been cooking, I'm gonna kill him."

He doesn't say anything, making me worry some more. He doesn't even move, just standing there with his head down. With my heart pending on a thread, I repeat the question, getting as an answer exactly the thing I feared the most to hear...

I thought I couldn't be more broken

but with this,

every single feather of my already broken wings

has been ripped off...

----------

Yay my first cliffhanger! XD I hope it left you wondering, so I can say I caused an "impact" on you LOL... Anyway, as always, I hoped you liked this chapter, and you can leave me a review telling me what you thought about it. And if you have any question or suggestion, you can tell me too :) Hope to see you soon, bye!


	6. Chapter 6

Hi I'm back:) I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I wish you all a happy 2007! Ok now, it's time for chapter 6. Actually when I finished the previous one I had no idea what I was gonna do next, so I used the good old accident story. I bet that's what you were all expecting :P I personally thought the previous chapter sucked... since my inspiration ran far, far away from me XD But if you liked it anyway, I hope you'll like this one too. I must add this chapter was supposed to be longer, but since you've already waited so long, I cut it here and I'm currently working on chapter 7.; so you can have something while I finish that stuff… Enjoy (or try XD)!

----------

How much have I ran? I don't remember the hospital being so damn far, how much do I have to run to get to it? I turn around to see how far I am from home, and I realize I've come some blocks away. I ran through the streets in like a second, and I don't even feel tired. What they say about adrenaline must be actually true. Yoh... This is all my entire fault. What did you do now, you idiot? Don't you look at both sides before crossing? I can't stop the tears that are now staining my face, so I let them flow. After all, I'm just a crazy girl running down the street, crying. Why would I call people's attention because of that?

Then I see it. I can finally reach the hospital. The usual one, where I went to visit you so many times; always preaching you and making you feel worse. Why am I always such a disgrace? When I'm standing in the front door, I hesitate. What am I gonna do now? What am I supposed to tell you? I wipe my tears and get ready for the big moment. I don't even know what condition are you in... Are you unconscious? I'm begging with all my heart that you'll be fine soon. That you're able to come back home tonight. Why didn't this happen to me? Why is it always you, damn it?

I start crying again, so I wipe my tears one more time and enter. As usual, there's a bunch of people waiting on those chairs. I wish you were there, that'd mean it's not so bad. Only the ones with a real emergency come first. I go over to the receptionist, who is talking on the phone.

"May I help you?" She asks me as soon as she hungs up.

"Is... Asakura Yoh here, by any chance?" She then starts looking through some papers, and finds the one quite quickly. I stay looking at her all the while, like holding my heart in my hand, praying to all the gods and saints I know.

"Are you his relative?" She asks, looking at me from under her glasses.

What's the huge deal anyway? I've always come to visit, this ain't the first time. They've always let me in, why not now? They always let your friends come as well, no questions asked. Or maybe, she just wants to tell me something, maybe she needs a relative to say something important to. Who knows? Well, it doesn't matter. I'll tell the truth...

"Yes, I'm his wife." That's the truth, well... sort of.

"Really?" She looks at me in desbelief. "Don't you think you're just a little too young?"

"Yes, I know, but-"

"Let me tell you something. I don't want to be the bad one of the movie, but I just can't allow anyone to enter. So, I understand you're his high school sweetheart and you must care a lot about him, but in the state he is, only direct relatives can go to see him."

Those things she just said really, really hurt. I know you must be in a bad condition for the things she said, I'm about to die if what happened to you is that bad; and she also makes me feel worse by telling me I can't even see you. I had never felt such a weird combination of sadness and anger together.

"High school sweetheart you say?" I say with tears in my eyes and concentrating my fury in my fists. "Just so you know, we've been engaged since we were ten, we're getting married one day soon, and... and, if anything happens to him I'm gonna kill whoever is around me and then I'll kill myself. So, either you let me see him right now or I'm gonna force you to."

The woman just looks at me in some sort of strange shock, and so does everyone in the room. She then turns calm, puts her glasses right and looks at the paper one more time, looking at me right after.

"Here's what we gonna do. He's in room 213. And next time, if anyone asks, just say you're his little sister."

"Thank you..." I mumble shyly. God, that was really stupid of me. I'm so ashamed of the fool I just played, that was so completely unnecessary. I go as fast as I can to the mentioned room, and when I stand in front of it, I feel the coldest breeze inside of me. The rush of adrenaline made me come here as fast as I could, and now that we're separated by nothing but a door, I freeze. I can't believe I'm even considering the idea of coming back home. Just... just do it... I tell myself. Be strong now, and whine later.

As I slowly open the door, I hear the characteristic creepy sound. The only thing needed to complete the goth atmosphere would be the infinite darkness, only lit up by the lights coming from the hall, entering through the small line I leave as I open the door; but instead, I find a completely lighted room, with your peaceful and defenseless body laying on the bed, and some machines around you. I let a tear fall from my eye and close the door behind me. There's nobody else around except the two of us. It was also weird to notice that there was no one else walking in the hall.

I keep my pace slow, and when I finally reach you, I realize there is no chair, like it's usual. I guess there were really no guests allowed. So I just stand next to you and watch you. How bad can it really be? You've been in worse situations, much worse... right? If you were never killed in any dangerous fight, not even in the last one, where you practically lost your life and then came back again, how can something so stupid defeat you? What happened to you, really? You are not going to die. Not today. You can't. You won't. I again gather all my strenght in my fist as I feel more and more tears running down my already wet face.

Oh how I long to slap you so hard to make you fall, and get as a reaction from you one of those stupid giggles, reassuring me that it was nothing, that things will improve little by little. You don't know how much I hate to see you like this, so defenseless and broken. Your eyes aren't even open and apparently all of these machines are helping you to stay alive. We didn't use to believe in this... We never thought something that humans made could bring us more help than nature itself. But again, we were proved wrong. I don't know where we would be if it wasn't for all advances in science. I can't take it anymore. Once you build an ice wall you are aware that it will melt sometime, and I'm not the exception. I bring my hands to my wet face in desperation and start crying my eyes out. I couldn't stand to lose you. Not like this. Not because of me. Not now...

If you just have to leave,

stay for a while

while I pack your properties

and kiss you goodbye...

Once I've cried all the tears I've ever had, I hear the door being slowly opened. I inmediately wipe my face and stay there, gathering all the confidence I can pretend. I see a young doctor coming in, he gives me a sympathetic smile and closes the door behind him.

"Good afternoon, are you the patient's relative?" he asks me as he stands close to the other side of your bed. I inmediately remember what the receptionist told me.

"Yes, I'm his sister." I answer him hoping he won't notice my lie, but he's not even looking at me. He has some papers in his hands and seems to put very deep thought into them.

"I see. Well, I'm sorry to say this, Miss, but you can't stay with your brother any longer." He says to me as soon as he writes something in his papers and finally looks at me.

"Why not?"

"Minors can't stay as visitors for more than a certain amount of time. Hospital policy, I'm sorry."

"But why? This is not the first time he ever comes to a hospital, he's been here before, and I've always been allowed to visit him."

"In the condition he is right now, it will be better for him to be accompanied by an adult relative, most likely his mother or father."

I still don't understand what is going on. Why am I not allowed now? What has changed? And, why is the word 'condition' still bouncing against the corners of my head? What happened, exactly? Well, there is only one way to know it, and I'll lie as much as necessary to get the answer.

"They can't come. They both work and they told me to come instead."

"I'm sorry, but if that's the case, you should return to your home, and the hospital staff will take care of him."

"Is he... going to die?" I lower my head and start sobbing; partly acting the way a cute naïve girl would, and partly because that's how I really feel right now, like sobbing, like breaking, like losing all hope...

"I don't know..." he answers to me. I can't believe he just say he doesn't know. I was expecting him to reassure me that things would be fine, that you could come back home soon. How could he... how could he steal my last hint of hope? "I don't know if he'll be able to wake up from this comma."

Now, the little voice in my head that was trying to tell me things weren't as bad as they seemed, is completely silenced by the screamings on the other side, those that are only trying to kill me, so I can end with this pain already. I start shaking as never before and let my tears, my screaming and all I had bottled up come out. This shouldn't be happening. How come, you were never in such a bad shape even in the fiercest of battles? How come you're gonna die for something as stupid as... as... as whatever happened to you while I was gone?

"I'm so sorry..." The doctor tells me as he tries to comfort me.

"How did it happen, exactly?" I ask him, just wanting to know what you're possibly gonna die of. Just resigned to the fact your life will be over anytime soon and so will mine.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes..."

"According to the witnesses, he was trying to save a little girl from being hit by a car, and even though she still got injured, he received most of the impact."

Idiot.

Moron.

Idiot!! What were you thinking?

How could you do this to me?

How many times have I tried to make you understand that I don't want you to be a damn hero? How many times? Why don't you ever listen to me? When are you going to understand, you moron?!

Once again, I put my hands on my face and cry my eyes out. How could you...?

"If you die, I'm never going to forgive you!" I yell at your almost lifeless body as loud as I could; even though the one I'll never forgive is no one but myself. The doctor tries to calm me down as he takes me outside and then back down to the reception, where he indicates someone to give me some water and keep me there until I calm down.

I just sit there between the other people that are waiting and I promise myself I won't leave this place until you decide whether you're gonna live or not. I can feel myself shaking, as I also feel everyone's eyes over me. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. I don't remember when did you become my everything. I don't remember when did I stop believing in everything else to make my whole existence depend on yours.

Then, another woman comes with a glass of water and looks at me with a little smile on her face. It's not a happy I-don't-care-about-your-sorrow smile, it's the kind of I'm-here-to-help-you smile.

"Here, it will help you." She says as she offers me the water. I try to grab it but my hands are shaking way too much, so she makes me drink it directly.

"Water does not help desperation." I say in the most indifferent tone I could.

"It has a little pill dissolved on it. It's gonna help your nerves." She says smiling again taking the glass back.

"He is going to die." I tell her, not making much sense in my words, but that's really all I can think about at the moment.

"Who is going to die?" How should I answer that? My brother is going to die? Screw it, I have no family. I don't care.

"The one I love." I say as the tears start coming back. "He had never been so close to the other side before."

"What other side?"

"The side of the death. He had been around it, he had played around it, but he had never been that close to it."

By the look she's giving me, she may think I'm crazy. But that doesn't even matter anymore. Things that weren't important before are even more unimportant now.

"I see. This is very common to happen. We all feel desperate when someone so close to us leave us. But you have to be strong, there are other things to live for."

"You don't understand! This is the strongest I could ever be, I don't... I don't have anything to live for now."

"Don't say that. What about your family, your friends...?"

"I have nothing."

"Well, maybe, maybe you will find all that one day, but you must live on to achieve that."

"I don't want to! The only reason why I existed was to make him strong and keep him alive, and now it's all gone!" Now she gives me a different look, like feeling so, so sorry for me.

"I think someone should walk you home. If you're as alone as you say, you shouldn't go home by yourself."

"I don't want to go. I'll stay here until he's finally dead, and then I'll recall his soul and give him a proper goodbye." Now, it's a mix of the two previous emotions. Poor me, I went crazy for being so sad.

"Honey, how old are you? Why are you saying such horrible things?"

"I'm 15, and I'm just telling the truth."

"And how come you have no one at such a young age? Who do you live with?" I don't want to enter in details, mostly for legal matters. It wouldn't be right to let any stranger know that two teenagers are living "alone" in a house; so I just don't say anything.

The woman seems to give up as she gets up and leaves me relatively alone, between all the ill people, who keep coming and going. I close my eyes and try to clear my head, but I can't. I feel as if I've been added an extra weight to both my head and my body. Again, I'm falling into that black endlessness where there's just me and my mind. Why is it happening to me yet again? Will it happen everytime I feel helpless?

----------

Yup, there it was. I hope you all enjoyed it, and again I apologize for taking so long … Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I'll see you in next chapter. Bye!


	7. Chapter 7

Hi everyone! I'm glad to see you've enjoyed the story so far, 'cause knowing you're still interested in it is the only thing that keeps me writing, even though sometimes it takes me so long to update... Well, once again I apologize for taking so long, here's chapter 7.

I wish to dedicate this chapter to each and every person that has taken time to read and review this story, since you all have been so loyal... and a little pushy too, but that's ok, it's... encouraging XD

Oh, and Tamao has been there all along, she didn't appear before because.. err... she was doing laundry or something.

Ok, all that said, let's go on with chapter 7!

----------

Where am I? Is the first thing I wonder as I open my eyes after who knows how long. I can't remember how much have I 'slept' since that moment when everything turned black and I fell into the darkness of my own mind. As my eyes adjust to the light, I get up from my laying position and sit.

"Anna-san, thank God you woke up." I hear a familiar voice tell me. When I am fully conscious, I start looking around and then see the little, shy and sometimes exasperating Tamao sitting on a chair next to me; she's blushing as usual, and she looks like she's been crying. Nothing out of normal. I keep scanning the place I'm at, and I can see the always white walls and roof, and I'm sitting on a bed. A hospital bed to be exact. What the hell am I...?

Then, everything comes to my mind. Arriving to the hospital, doing everything I could to see you, breaking down, fainting and...

"Why am I here?" Not even asking her what she is doing here, I let it out with no consideration.

"It seems... that you fainted after hearing the condition Yoh-san was in..." She says turning her head around, probably ashamed of herself, not realizing that I'm the one who should be doing that. If it was her who broke down after hearing such news, it would be normal, it would be fine.

But me, it's so... So not me. I'm the one that is supposed to stay strong, I'm the one who should slap her for feeling so sorry about herself and tell her to be a strong woman. I'm the one that should keep it together, while I'm now on the other side of the story.

"And they immediately took me to a room?" I ask half wondering, half playing sarcasm.

"I don't know... When we arrived, they asked us if we knew you, and if any of us could take you home when you woke up, because you were very upset... You were already here, and I offered myself to be the one to take you home."

She is one of those people you can't help to hate at first for being so god damn nice, but when you get to know her better, all you feel about her is pity. Sometimes the only thing that comforts me is that her life is more pathetic than mine. Well that is just sometimes, because at other moments she seems to be so lucky compared to me; and I can't help to make comparisons between the two of us all the time. We're totally different and at the same time so similar. We would both give away everything and die for the one we love, and even though we know it's impossible to be loved back, we still would be there at any moment. And although at first I even considered her a rival, it's not even a competition anymore.

We both have given up.

"Who else came?" I ask after a long minute, or maybe two minutes, of silence.

"Everybody. Manta-san, Ren-san, Horokeu-san, Ryu-san and me."

"How did you all know?" As soon as the question comes out of my mouth, she looks down in shame, trying to hide her face from me. "Tell me now."

The tone of my voice changes, since I deserve a proper answer.

"I... I consulted my tablet... and it wasn't wrong..." She says as tears start filling her eyes and she tries to cover them with her hands. "It had been too long and... and... you were gone too... I just wanted to, I just..."

(Author's Note: tablet... Was that the name of that thing?... Well, let's pretend it was.)

"I understand." I, too, look down at my fists and try to hold my tears back. "So you told them and you all showed up here."

She only nods her head. I close my eyes and try to think of something else, of what will happen now, of myself, of anything, but I can't. It won't be long until I lose my head and end up dead somewhere.

"Have any of you gone to visit him?" I ask her soon after her answering nod.

"No... They said we're not allowed... They said he's in a very delicate condition; so everyone left, and I stayed here waiting for you."

"Well, now that I'm up, I guess we can leave." I say to her, both of us looking down, so sorry for ourselves and for each other as well. In moments like this, the only one who can understand you is the last person you ever expected.

I get up from the bed and try to get out of that place, Tamao following me all along. On the way I find the woman that had tried to keep me calm with water and her words, she asks me how I feel, I tell her I'm fine, I thank her and all that, and we leave. I don't want to know anything else about that hospital. I don't want to think that's the last place you'll ever be in, I don't want to believe it.

The worse part of it all is knowing this is my entire fault... I knew I'd eventually pay for being the way I am, for trying to make you strong at the old hard way, for treating you bad when you've done everything right... Deep inside of me I always kept the fear that someday I would be the one to cause you so much pain... All the pain I cause myself. But I never thought I could do this. I never thought that I could be the one responsible to put an end to your life. To your valuable, beautiful, full of joy life.

As soon as I put one foot on the street and walk a few steps, it starts raining. Perfect. Now I can openly cry without being noticed, tears will only look like raindrops on my face. I remember I used to love rainy days, just watching people hide from it amused me. They usually spent their lives out there doing their favourite things and spending time with other humans... And then just a couple of drops and the echo of some thunder ruined their whole happiness, forcing them to run away and ending their perfect harmony. And I smiled. I was the only one who could stay outside and walk without fearing the weather, it made me feel so powerful.

But now, in this very same moment, what's the great thing about being the one that doesn't fear rain if you're the ONLY one that's outside? What's the importance of being so powerful if there is no one to protect?

In this very same moment... I hate the stupid weather so much. I hate this city, I hate these people. The only reason why I ever loved anything was because you did, and now it's all gone. I stop in the middle of our walk, and I hear her steps stop too.

"Are you okay, Anna-san?" She asks me with her usual worried tone watching my sudden stop in the middle of nowhere.

"I... I forgot something back there." I lie, not wanting to drag her to my mental jungle with me. "I want you to go home and wait there."

"But... I can wait right here if you want." She says as innocently as usual, not quite getting what I mean.

"No. Go home. Make some tea while waiting." I tell her before I start walking in the direction we just came from. I can hear her getting away as well, walking as fast as she could. What's the big hurry? It's just rain drops and a thunder here and there; it's not gonna kill you.

I, on my own way, walk with the same pace someone on an excursion would. I'm not in a big hurry.

I don't even have anywhere to go. I can feel that my feet are trying to take me somewhere, but I don't know where that place is.

I am supposed to be strong. I am not supposed to let this kind of things affect me. I'm indeed not supposed to let anything affect me. I was trained to stand anything. And yes, I'm technically still alive, but I'm not full of life. I've always thought I lost a big amount of what being alive really means when I got this stupid "power" of mine; and I got back most of it when I got you. And now that, I've lost my everything, I had never felt so... empty. It's not a metaphor or anything, it's true. I am empty.

Without even noticing it, my feet have taken me straight to the park we visited just this morning. I can feel the shattered pieces of my heart being pulled together just to break again, as one tear silently escapes my eye without me even noticing. I know the moment will come when I'll be unable to produce any more tears, when they are just over.

The park is of course closed. The time of the day plus the damn cold storm have caused it; but I feel the strange longing to be in there, where we were together for the last time. Sure I went to visit you to the hospital, but you can't see me or talk to me, I even doubt you can hear me. I put my hands on the front doors, like wishing they would magically open and transport me into the near past, when I would have stayed with you instead of walking away like I did. It's my fault and only mine. Why should this happen to you, why not me?

As I keep getting more and more wet, and the storm gets colder and colder, I can feel like getting a cold again. Just that this time, you won't be here to pick me up.

Is this how it'll end?

With me,

a rainy funeral

and a twisted fairytale?

I don't want it to end just the way it started. I don't want to lose you so stupidly. I don't want to be the beginning and the end of your infinite sorrow. And I certainly wish I wasn't the cause, but there's nothing I can do to avoid it. I start walking again, this time I'm going home.

It doesn't matter anyway, there's nothing else I can do; and I have nowhere else to go.

----------

When I arrive, Tamao is waiting at the door holding an umbrella, looking as worried as usual. It must have taken me way too long to go and come back, for she looks like she's been waiting for a long while. As soon as she notices my presence, she runs to me and offers me the umbrella, saying I'm gonna get sick. I ignore it, not even saying a word to her, for I've walked a long while and covering my head for the brief minute it will take me to enter the house, certainly won't make me quite healthy.

"I made the tea already, and also some soup to keep warm." She says as soon as I enter the house and she follows right away.

"I'll have tea, but I don't want any soup. I'm not hungry." I say entering the kitchen and looking at the big pot and spoon with the hot content in it. It really must have taken me a long while to walk back home, mainly because I stopped every five seconds to look at some store and somehow connect it with my pitiful reality.

"But..." She says entering the kitchen right behind me. "You must eat something, or it will be all spoiled."

"You eat it." I answer, as I serve myself some tea. "I don't want to eat anything."

"But, it's really good." She insists, getting me out of my nerves. "And there's a lot of it, so you can eat as much as you wish."

"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want to?!" I yell, scaring the poor girl. "You eat it, I don't care if you eat it all, it doesn't matter!"

"It's just that... I don't want to eat either." She says with her head down, in the edge of tears.

"Then why did you make in the first place?" I keep nagging her, emptying all my rage and regret on her.

"I don't know!" I feel all of those feelings disappearing and replace them with shock, since this is the first time she's ever raised her voice to anyone, especially me, being someone she has always feared. Now, returning to her original tone of voice, she continues. "Doing this housework is the only thing that switches my mind off problems, it's the only thing I use for distraction. I don't have anything else, I just-- I'm so sorry!"

She brings her hands to her face and starts crying. It would be nothing new except for the fact that this time you can actually see she's so desperate. Sometimes I think I forget I'm not the only one in the world that suffers, and if I've been crying for your love or the lack of it all along, I haven't been the only one.

Usually, I would tell her to behave herself and show some respect, and then I would slap her. But considering the situation we're both in, I decide to let it pass, and I ignore it. I take my cup of tea and go to the living room, where I sit to drink it.

After a short moment she comes too, in her traditional perfect silence, and sits in front of me to drink her own cup. This is something we're quite used to, a very everyday thing, but right now it feels so heavy. Something's missing. Something really important is missing.

"You never told him, right?" I ask her feeling as natural as if I just asked myself that. And partly, I did.

"W-What?"

"You idiot, you never told him you loved him, did you?" I ask again, being more specific, and again, partly asking her and partly asking myself; after drinking another sip.

"I... mmm I just... I--"

"I see. You kept the secret from him, even though you let everyone else know." I let out as I continue to drink. In some aspects, Tamao and I are identical.

"I... I have never thought it was necessary..." She says blushing like mad, just like she did whenever you were around; and to think that 'whenever you were around' could have been just this morning.

"Don't you think... before he dies, he should know?"

"No... It's for the best if he never finds out." She says blushing even more, some tears forming in her eyes. It's kind of creepy how similar our thoughts are, although our intentions and actions are always different. "Because if he knew, it would be uncomfortable to be around him, and I could never see him again..."

"And what if... it wasn't uncomfortable? What if he loved you back?" I begin to see that I'm using her as some sort of mirror, that I'm only asking her what she would do to see if it would match my deepest and more hidden feelings.

"No... He belongs with just one person." She says closing her eyes, also concentrating on her tea.

"Yeah, just because he's practically forced to." Then again, this is the first time I ever express myself out loud. Everyone knows how much I love you, but no one knows about my fears of losing you, of losing your love if I ever had it, of losing every impact you made in my life...

"No, I believe he really does love you, Anna-san." Now saying this, she's smiling. What part of this whole thing makes her smile? There's no happy part in this story.

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, I know it." And her smile grows bigger. "I can tell by the way he looks at you, and by the way he looks when he's talking about you, even though he may not be saying something nice."

She lets out a little giggle and I smile. It makes her really happy to see you with the one you love. She would prefer to remain silent until the last day of her life as long as she could still see you smiling. To think that she would sacrifice everything to let you be with me, and I was the one who caused this to you. This feeling can't be explained. You truly deserve someone like her, not like me. Life sure is unfair.

"You know...? It was my fault." I tell her, now that we're having such an open-hearted conversation.

"What?" She asks confused.

"I left him alone and that's why this happened to him. If I had stayed with him, he would be alright now." I confess, finally getting it out of my chest. It doesn't make me feel better at all, though. It's just something I desperately needed to let someone know, it's something that will bite me inside forever, and unexplainably I don't mind everyone knowing about it; even worse, I WANT everyone knowing about it.

"Maybe... It would have still happened." She answers surprising me, for I thought she'd be in big shock and would explode in tears.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I immediately get into defence stage, preparing for whatever she's gonna imply, even though I still don't know what that is supposed to mean.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason... Maybe it's something that would have happened anyway."

"So you think... that all of this had a reason to happen?"

"Well, it's just my opinion... I'm sorry, this is none of my business." She says all embarrassed as usual, taking a long sip of tea.

"No, it is. I just asked you."

"Yes, I think... I believe that when something bad happens to you, it could be for a good reason." The confused look I just gave her after she said that must have been quite clear, because she immediately turns all nervous and tries to explain her point. "It's not that... It's something good what happened to Yoh-san, I just mean that maybe... maybe that would... that would help someone... like, the child that would have been hurt... Well, she was still hurt but... but..."

Since I already got the idea and I don't want her to keep on drowning in her own stupidity, I start talking so she can shut up.

"You mean... that some things need to be sacrificed in order to achieve something else?"

"Ah, y-yes! That's what I meant."

In this exact moment, it hits me. The answer to all of my doubts has been there all along. In fact, it's the principle for everything in all the time we've known each other. We've always had to sacrifice things such as giving up on our own dreams just to make each other's come true; I sacrificed my individualism and you could say even my youth, while you sacrificed your first friend, only to make sure the other was happy. Only to make sure we would always be together, 'cause that's the only way we're aware of the other's situation. And now... you've sacrificed yourself for...?

"You never know what you have until you lose it..." I say after a minute of deep thinking.

"Uh, yes, that too..." She says not quite sure of what I'm talking about, probably believing we had already changed the topic. I put the cup with the rest of my tea on the table and get up.

"Anna-san, you haven't finished your tea, where--"

"I'm going out." I answer her exiting the living room and walking to the front door.

"But, there's a storm out there." She exclaims following me around.

"I'll bring my raincoat." I say as I put on my shoes and raincoat, and open the front door, visualizing the leaves dancing like crazy between the water and the wind. "Don't wait up."

She looks all worried at me one last time before I leave the house and start walking out, struggling with the weather, only one thing in my mind.

----------

So... that's all for now. Don't throw things at me, please, instead, leave reviews telling what you would like to throw at me XD.

Ah, before I forget to say this, the previous chapter had some major orthographic errors I must apologize for… In my defence I must say I wasn't using an orthographic corrector because… I forgot to install it -.-U… Anyway, I have installed it now and I think it won't happen any more (at least not as big errors as those).

And by the way, Tamao is not a particularly special character to me, but I thought Anna needed to speak with someone else besides herself and her different states of mind... So I just thought she'd be one to understand her and kind of support her at some level... and it was easier like that.

I bet none of the above made sense but oh well...

See you soon, I'm as hungry for reviews as you are hungry for an update... Seems a fair trade to me XD


	8. Chapter 8

Hi there! Yeah, I'm still alive, believe it or not XD God, I thought I could never write again, since univ's back and I've been drowning in homework . Anyway, I found little amounts of time to continue and here's the result of my work. I hope you enjoy this one as well n.n

I must warn you that this chapter is ridiculously short... and I apologize for taking so long to write such a small thing... But I guess it's better than nothing, right? nervous laughing while hiding from any sharp object that might be thrown at by the readers

Ok, now, read on!

----------

The see-through glass doors of the hospital had never looked so magnificent. It's overwhelming when you start thinking of how many times they open and close to let in and out all kinds of people; and it makes you nervous to know what's behind. I arrived to this place in a second and for some reason, I always end up standing in front of the door, not knowing exactly what I'm gonna do. I know the road to this place like the palm of my hand, I could come to it with my eyes closed. It's almost like I did it subconsciously; and I think I did.

As I stand there apparently finding the door quite interesting, for I'm staring at it with my thoughts somewhere else, someone passes by me and enters. He makes it seem so simple, but it's not. To enter this place implies I will have to face the horrible truth I would love to ignore and forget. A truth I already know. I take some steps forward and enter, but still standing too close to the door. Everyone in the room lay their eyes on my sad, gloomy, and wet form. I believe they see their own desperation in my eyes, so we're basically a sympathetic group of hopeless bastards.

Why did I come here in the first place? What was I thinking? What was I planning anyway? I don't know why I always let my feelings rule over my common sense, but I always end up doing so. I keep walking and sit myself on a very convenient empty seat between some equally worried, hopeless people.

How long has it been since I came? Probably about an hour, so what was I thinking returning so soon? What would have changed? What am I even doing here in the first place? From the place I'm at, I can see everything so clearly. The hospital staff doing their job, the patients coming and going, people pacing from one corner to another, and some sob and praying in the background.

I close my eyes as a tear tries to escape again, I will run out of them eventually. I can see like it's all going in slow motion, like I wasn't even here, but just watching. I see the same receptionist that attended me the last time talking, or should I say arguing with a woman who insists desperately on having her dad attended immediately.

To think that this people has to live with this all day and night, there's always someone demanding their attention for something that's not even their fault, or something that runs out of their hands. And I've been one of them. I guess the only reason why I came here was because I want to be wherever you are, since all I could think about when I was home was about seeing you again and telling you everything I wanted to.

And I want to

gather all my strength

to put myself in your place

and be the one who'll bleed for you

I wonder if there's a way to do that... To take someone else's pain and make it your own, like a kagenie... I wonder if I could do that. I never thought I would be wondering this kind of things, and I can't believe I am. Some years ago, I could have sweared I would never give up even a nail for anyone; and now... you've changed me in so many ways.

Then, I come back to reality, as I see the argument with that woman has increased, for now she's insulting the other one and threatening to sue or something like that. It should be none of my business, but considering that the receptionist already knows my face, she would probably stop me if I tried to go to your room... again; and now that she's "distracted", I guess it's my chance.

I get up as fast as ever and go to the stairs, looking behind me to make sure no one's watching. Taking the elevator would be kind of risky, so I just follow my instincts and run through them. You could say that their little argument down there opened a door for me. But between all that, I'm only thankful that I'll get to see you one more time, even if it could be the last.

Once again, the hall is totally empty and the heavy atmosphere is felt. Many lives have been lost here. I know it. I can feel it in every inch of my body. I'm walking in a really slow, doubtful pace; like wondering if this is the right thing to do. What if there's someone else in your room? What if the doctor's here to check on you? I can't go inside if he is... I can't even think straight; all I listen to is the sound of my shoes against the floor and all I can feel is the cold breeze of death.

I stand in front of the door, again having my doubts on whether I should open it or not. What exactly brought me here? All I know is that, I want to see you so desperately, I don't know what for. It's like... something brought me here. Maybe I will always be attached to you, even if you become just a memory, I will always be attached to that memory.

I close my eyes and open the door, the creepy sound being heard again. And there's nothing but the white room, with you laying on the bed and the machines around you. I close the door behind me and lock it, just to be sure. I don't want to get caught, 'cause I don't want to be banned from this place. I need you so desperately even if you don't know it, even if there's nothing you can do.

I walk next to your sleeping form, and feel kind of relieved. I feel so safe when you're around, even if you can't protect me right now. I sit next to you and look at your peaceful face. You're just sleeping, aren't you? You don't look like you're struggling against anything or like you're suffering. Maybe I should be happy for that. I should be happy because you're fine... right?

I doubtfully place a hand on your face. It's cold. The truth is, that I have never touched your face while you've been awake. It's weird, isn't it? I smile. Who would have thought we'd ever be in this situation? And now that I'm here, what am I supposed to do?

Doesn't really matter

as long as I'm with you...

I've heard that even being on the state you are, you could actually hear me if I talk to you. If it's true, then I may do it. If it's not... I don't lose anything by trying; because this feeling is devouring my soul with each second that goes by.

I want to start talking, but I don't dare. You look like you're so relaxed wherever you are... I will do it. I take a deep breath as I just let out everything I've been thinking lately.

"Hi, it's me... again. I... I came here because... Because... I really don't know why..." What, there's no need to lie to you. What am I so afraid of? "Yoh, the truth is that... I had never felt as empty as I am now. And although just being here is not enough, I always want to be wherever you are. Because I... I really, truly deeply love you... More than any words can explain. More than anything I've ever told you or showed you before..."

I move my hand and make a small fist in it, again trying to hold back the tears. "I'm so sorry... This was my entire fault... I know you will probably forgive me but I'll never forgive myself for leaving you alone, and for making you so unhappy... And, even if you wake up, I will still feel this sad... I want you to know that, if you decide to leave this world... I think you will be alright... You never saw much difference between life and death anyway... But, if you're not enjoying it, let me know and I'll bring you back..."

I'm currently trying to laugh between my tears, but it's physically impossible to me. I wipe the tears with my hand and then I hold yours tightly. "And, if you decide to stay, I want you to know that things will be different now, 'cause I have learned my lesson... I will never let you sacrifice yourself for me again, and for that... I'm going to step out of the way. When your family finds out that this was my fault they will probably not want us together anyway... And it's alright like that. I think it's the best solution. I will return to my 'home' and... I will set you free..."

I make a long pause as I try to catch my breath again... it's so hard not knowing what will happen next. It's like you're not either dead or alive... like you're stuck in an endless dream. "I thought that... If I was always around you, even though I made you miserable, I loved you, and that was enough. But I was wrong... I want you to be happy, Yoh... and it's for the best if you just move on and find someone else that will make you happier than me... I have learned. I will always be there to make sure you're alright, but, I can't just keep you all for myself... I've been selfish all along and... I haven't even treated you the way I'm supposed to... It will be much better from now on..."

I smile again, feeling like I finally let all that out of my system, like I can finally pass the page and go to the next level of... whatever it is. So whether you will stay or not, I won't be around to make you miserable ever again.

"Well, Yoh... If it was possible for you to hear me, then... I hope you do whatever is best for you. Either way, I will always love you no matter what."

I breathe deep again and then get prepared to leave, as I have done what I had in mind. Now I'll just have to wait and see. I get up slowly, still holding your hand, and look at you one last time. Then I slowly start losing my grip on your hand, but it's getting a little bit more difficult than I thought. It's not just the fact that I don't want to leave, but... something else. I look at our hands and notice something...

Are you... holding it back?

It's hard to tell, since it doesn't seem to be strong, but being sure it's just my imagination, I look at your peaceful face to convince my tricky mind that you're just sleeping still. There's nothing there but only you sleeping, right? I wonder as I believe to see some movement on your expression as you're slowly trying to open your eyes.

No way. Is it...? Are you...? Definitely, either you're just waking up or I'm going crazy. It doesn't matter, I have to tell someone! I let go of your weak hand, open the door and run down the hall and then the stairs, yelling all the way "He's awake!"

----------

That was it. I told you it was short. Well, I'm pretty sure next chapter is the last one... Although it might be extended, who knows? Hope you liked this one too, please give me some reviews (woo, that rhymes XD)


	9. Chapter 9

Waaaahhhh!! I can't believe I updated! I bet you guys can't either:P So, the so-longed chapter 9 is here, completely fresh and new. I hope from the bottom of my heart, liver and brain that you'll enjoy it because it's the last one, and I don't want to die right after I finished writing my only story. By the way, this one is the longest. Just to make it up for the previous one.

On additional notes, I thought you'd like to know that there's absolutely nothing in my profile, because I still don't know what language I'll write it in... Anyway, for those who'd like to know: I'm a 17 year-old girl, and I love chocolate. I don't think any other details are needed :P

With all that said, let's go on with chapter nine crossing fingers

----------

"He's awake!"

I run all the way down the stairs as I keep yelling at the nothing, at no one in particular. Just at everyone who's there and should know how I feel, someone to let out all my energy onto. I keep running on the reception trying to drain all the adrenaline, when I see the doctor that was attending you tranquilly talking to a nurse.

I feel as if he's being irresponsible, even though I know he's not, it's an eternal conflict between my feelings and my reasoning. I get in the middle of the two and keep yelling the same two words I've been saying all the way, at his face.

He looks at me strangely and confused, not understanding what this all is. He stares at me for a moment and seems to recognize my face; of course, I was here not long ago. Then, in the same micro-second, his eyes grow with surprise as he mutters other two words "No way".

"Yes!" I nod quickly, making him excuse himself with the nurse and go upstairs, probably to check it with his own eyes. I follow him, and no one can blame me, for he doesn't protest. We get to your room and as soon as he sees the door open, he realizes something.

"How did you enter here?"

"Does it matter? He's awake!" I try to make him reason. He apparently doesn't give much importance on how I entered, so he comes inside and again, there you are, just laying on your bed. Was it my imagination? I look down in deep sadness, deception and frustration. How could I let my imagination trick me? I bring my hands to my face and start crying again. The doctor is standing next to you checking on your signs or who knows, while I stay at the corner just crying like the idiot I am.

"He..." The doctor starts. I fear he may tell the worst now, so I wipe the tears away and pass from sadness to angst.

"He what?! He what?!" I could ask repeatedly all day long until he tells me, I really don't care.

"He... IS awake." He tells not quite believing his eyes.

I wasn't crazy. You were awake!

"Is he?" Now that may sound weird. I was the one to say so in the first place, and now I ask? I have switched to three different emotions in less than five minutes. That can't be good. But I feel so infinitely hyper now that I don't care. I'm still crying, but this time a different kind of tears. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"I don't know..." He says still looking at your face in a profound shock.

"How come you don't know?"

"It's just that... It's impossible... He couldn't have awakened so soon... I have no idea on what will happen now... Please leave the room."

"What?!"

"Please leave. I'm going to need some time to solve this."

"But..."

"Just do it. Please." He gives me a begging look, so I for the first time in my life obey someone and leave the room. Only because it's for the best.

When I get out I wonder what I'll do now. What is exactly gonna happen to you? I know you're not like any normal person, you can fully recover from things like this much faster. But I know there's something else behind it. You have the gift to decide when to travel between one world and the other, you can even be in both at the same time. I wonder where exactly have you been, how is it like, and what were you doing. Even I ignore it. I have no idea on how that place you were at is like.

Now all I can do is wait. If I'm gonna wait, at least I'm going to sit. I slowly walk down the stairs and sit on the reception. It's official. I'm a regular here. Now I'm like another element of the hospital.

I close my eyes and try to visualize the near future. What will happen when you're fully awake? I shall stick to my promise. I can't let the never-ending cycle repeat itself over and over. I won't let another horrible thing happen to you just to make me realize the things I have to do. I made up my mind already, I have a determination, and I'll accomplish what I said I would...

----------

"Miss?... Miss?" I hear a voice telling me, but everything's dark and confusing. I open my eyes. When did I fall asleep? Where am I?

Now I'm fully awake. I fell asleep at the reception, waiting for the results; and the doctor himself came to wake me up.

"Hmh? What happened?" I ask as a response to his efforts.

"I just came to tell you it'd be better if you just returned home and came back tomorrow..."

"What? No way! Is he still awake?"

"Yes, he is... But we better keep him under observation just to make sure. You can come back tomorrow and we'll let you know the results."

"But, why? He came to, that's all you need to know..."

"Exactly. It's a very rare case, since we didn't expect him to even wake up."

"So you're just going to 'observe' him like he's some kind of rare phenomenon?"

"No, that's not it! We're just-" I'm so mad right now. I can't let them do this to you. I can't believe they treat you like an object.

"How can you do such thing?! Treating your patients like they're aliens being studied?!" I notice I'm calling everyone's attention, and it doesn't matter. They're probably already used to it. I'm the crazy screaming girl of the hospital. It's no surprise. "I thought you would do something for him! If I knew that you were going to give him this treatment I... I-!"

"Shut up!" My sentence is interrupted, though I can't even recall anymore what I was about to say. I believe it's the first time in my life someone has told me to shut up that way. I'm completely shocked, since I don't know how to react to that. "You need to calm down, okay? We're just gonna keep him here to make sure he's ready to leave. If he's still alright tomorrow, we'll let him go, even though it's not a very common case. Alright?"

I don't know what to say. I didn't even blink. I feel like a little girl being grounded. I can't defend myself, I have no excuse. I overreacted, it's true. And this was my entire fault in the very beginning, so I must stop blaming people around and focus on my own mistakes. My many, many mistakes.

"I understand..." I say nodding.

"Good." The doctor says with a serious expression before leaving the spot he was at.

I just stay there at the same place, feeling everyone's stares on me. They won't let you go right now, that's for sure. They may release you tomorrow, if even... So there's no point in staying here. Yet I don't want to leave. I wanna be around you, even if you're not really here. I sigh before I take a look outside. Through the glass doors it's easy to see what's going on out there. It's still raining like it did when I arrived. Like it did just last night. I get up, put on my raincoat comfortably and slowly walk outside.

Who'd have thought it'd be like this?

I slowly make my walk home. I should be happy at the fact that you're awake, but I'm not. You being awake is not enough. Something's missing. Still. Why hasn't the pain disappeared just yet? Why does it still hurt when I think of you?

Because you're not with me. That's why. You're awake, but you're not by my side. You're alright, but you're there, and I'm here... What's wrong with me? I should be happy. I bet you are. If you woke up it's because that's what you wanted. You wanted to live. And now you're alive, so I bet you're happy now. Then why the hell do I have to be all sad and moody? Why can't I be pleased by your happiness? Why am I so selfish?

I wonder if this doubtful feeling will ever stop. I keep walking as slowly as ever, still watching people running and hiding from two stupid drops. I sigh... This is how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to wake up, I was supposed to get out of the way, and you would live happily ever after with your friends and family.

A perfect ending, right? If this is what was supposed to happen, then why am I crying? Why can't I be glad that everything turned out fine in the end, that everything turned out just like I wanted it? Not knowing exactly how or when, I arrive home. I must stop calling it home soon. I must leave you alone, no matter how hard it is. It will be for your own happiness and I must stop worrying so much about mine.

"I'm home." I say not quite excited, just for the sake of saying it. I expect an extremely worried 'Anna-san, where have you been? I was so worried' as a response, but I hear nothing. And I see nothing. I turn on the lights and see the poor tired girl sleeping on the couch. I look at the clock. It's barely 7 o' clock. Who sleeps at that time? Well, I guess Tamao does. Her and only her.

I decide I won't wake her up, to avoid a long hour of apologizing and embarrassment. I go straight to my room to do the exact same thing I did last night. Lie on the floor and cry. Just that this time, tears don't flow. I smirk at myself. I knew I'd eventually run out of tears. I stay there looking at the ceiling, using the sound of raindrops and thunder as a lullaby.

No. I can't fall asleep right here. I have a nice and soft futon where... What, who am I kidding? It sucks. My empty and lonely room sucks. There's nothing good or comfortable here. How could I stand it for the last years? Yet your room is so comfortable and warm... It feels like part of a home... God, I miss it already. But I will never put a foot on this house again. I'm leaving. I promised I would and I will.

If you're released tomorrow... I'll leave right away. I won't even say goodbye or explain anything. I have to do this. If I don't, I could regret it for the rest of my life. Although... sleeping in your room one last night won't do any harm... You won't even need to find out.

I get up, open the door and walk straight to your room, entering it and already feeling the nice atmosphere it brings. I throw myself on your futon and intend to feel the warm feeling I love so much... but it's not the same. It's not the same without you here, but it's warm enough, I guess.

I look at the ceiling, it's not quite interesting but there's nothing to look at. Just your mess, your stuff. I'm even going to miss that. Who'd have thought it'd be me who would leave, if all odds were against you? I close my eyes. I'm not trying to sleep. It's way too early. I'm not even sleepy... I already took a "nap" at the hospital. What am I supposed to do then? The usual: feeling pity for myself and regretting things.

I need to think positive... I tell myself as I try to visualize the future, the near future, where you are probably gonna be as happy as ever. I bet you won't miss me that much... Maybe just at the beginning, but it will decrease little by little. You'll get used to it. Maybe I will, too... Yeah, right... I'll live forever knowing that I'll never have you with me again, but I'll know it's a decision I made and I'll know it's for your own good.

It'll be worth it...

----------

Is it morning already? I open my eyes and see the bright rays of sun reflected on the walls. Yeah, it's definitely morning already. When the hell did I fall asleep? It doesn't matter... I spent most of the night thinking and feeling so sorry for myself that I probably cried myself to sleep. I sit and look around, I'm still in your room. So, at least that part wasn't a dream. I wish these last two days were dreams... or nightmares I should say.

I rub my eyes and stretch myself, getting up and heading straight to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, I take a shower and then I'm ready to start the day. I bet breakfast is ready by now. It'll be though getting used to not having someone else do things for me. It'll be weird having to do all by myself... But, it will pass. I put on my everyday clothes and go downstairs, expecting my coffee and breakfast.

"Good morning" I call out to Tamao, wherever she is. Then I immediately hear plates breaking. Did she get scared because I said good morning? God, she's got a lot to learn. I hope she didn't break many plates or she's dead. I go to the kitchen where I find her picking up the pieces of what's left of the plates. I stand in the entrance of the kitchen just watching her, expecting some information. When she finishes picking them up, she turns around to see me, and then she screams and lets them fall again, breaking in even smaller pieces.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I yell at her, she had never been so stupid before. I understand she lives constantly nervous, but for God's sake, this is too much.

"I-I'm so sorry!" She apologizes picking the microscopic pieces of what's left of the plates, all nervous and scared as usual.

"Leave that already! There's no use picking them up, just sweep this whole mess!" I demand, watching her blush in embarrassment and cry a little, as she starts searching for the sweeper.

"How many?"

"Huh?" She asks totally confused, stopping for a moment.

"How many plates did you break?"

"Umm... I'm so so sorry!! I didn't intend-"

"How many?!" I yell making her cover her ears and hold onto her sweeper.

"Two..." She answers shyly with her head down and her eyes closed. "I'm so sorry! I promise you I'll pay for them, I'll pay double, it's just that I didn't know you had arrived already, and you..." It's true. She didn't know when I arrived. She was asleep by then, and in the morning she probably just got up and started doing her chores, not caring to search for me at all. For the respect she deserves to the rooms upstairs, mostly.

"I scared you, didn't I?" I finish her sentence and she nods. Poor girl. She truly didn't deserve it this time.

"Yes, but it was my fault! I'll pay for them, I promise! I'm so sorry!" Now I remember why she deserves it. She apologizes WAY too much. It's annoying and it always drives me mad. You're sorry, we get it. It's enough.

"Stop apologizing already, it doesn't matter. I'm sure Yoh won't mind." I say in a normal voice tone for the first time of the day. I can see the confused expression on her face. Is she surprised because I didn't make her pay with blood or because she also thought you were going to die?

'Also'...

When did I lose my faith that way?

"What? Where's my coffee anyway?" I ask trying to make her stop staring in shock. I'm not very much into this suspended moments.

"Oh! Here it is!" She says dropping the sweeper and going to the coffee machine and a cup, serving my morning coffee.

"Thanks." I say taking it from her hands and walking with it to the living room. "And don't forget to clean that mess".

"Don't worry!"

I sit on the living room and start drinking my coffee, like nothing happened. I shouldn't care about the broken plates since I won't even live here anymore. Now thinking about it, when I leave it will be only you and her. And the spirits, of course. But the point is, she's finally gonna be able to look at you without being afraid that I'll come out of nowhere with my killing stare.

Maybe her dream will finally come true... When I'm gone, nothing could stop it. And I won't even have the right to be jealous... In fact, I'm not... I'm very happy for the both of you... God, I'm talking like it already happened. Well, it'll only be a matter of time for you two to get together. I sigh as I take another sip. I'm happy. I really am...

----------

"So... Are you going to visit Yoh?" I ask her while we're eating breakfast, breaking the past 10 minutes of silence. She chokes as a response. It's the usual response when she hears your name. It's kind of fun to do it on purpose... Well, it'd be entertaining for someone else.

"Visit...?" She answers as she recovers and drinks some water.

"Yes... You know, he's awake, so I don't think it will be trouble to have some guests." It's like passing the torch to someone else. When I'm not here to check on you, someone else will have to. And I'm sure she'll do it gladly.

"He's... awake?" She asks surprised. I assumed she could tell by what happened just a while ago, but I was wrong. She's too naïve.

"Yeah... He woke up just last night." I say tranquilly, pretending it didn't cause me the slightest of joys. Now that I'll leave, I have to pretend I care even less than before.

_'Now that I'll leave...'_

"I see..." She looks down, also trying to hide all emotion, though I can see the small joy tears forming and the screamings of excitement inside of her. Do I look like that when I'm emotional? I hope not, it's too overdramatic.

"Anyway... I'm going to the hospital in a while, so you can come if you want to."

"Really?" She asks excitedly, forgetting she was supposed to hide all emotion. Why does she insist on mimicking me? Since when am I a role model?

"Yes... Really... if you want to." I continue to eat just like nothing.

"Yes, I really want to!" She puts her hands together like a little girl. I hope with all my heart I DON'T look like that. It's unbearable.

"Ok... Now eat." Make it stop. Now.

We finish eating and she quickly goes to wash the dishes. She's sure that the sooner she finishes her chores, the sooner we'll go to see you. What, she's not Cinderella... I go to my room so I can do my own business. I have to prepare my things to leave as soon as I can. If you are released today, I'll have to go tomorrow the latest. So I better prepare what I can.

Just two days ago I could have never imagined that I'd be leaving now. I couldn't have imagined that I would finally realize that I'm the cause of my own problems and make up my mind so quickly. Who could tell? I feel a knot in my throat as I pick the only few things I possess. I have nothing at all. I don't even have a house. I'm going back with Kino-sensei to see if she can let me stay. I'm sure she'll understand. She can't force me to come back to you if all I do is ruining your life... or can she?

What the hell... If she doesn't let me stay, I'll find a way. I'll stay somewhere. I'm the greatest itako in the world. Nothing is supposed to stop me. Nothing. I sigh. I truly don't have anything. I pack a few things in an old suitcase and that's truly all I have. I finish packing sooner than I expected. I sit on my futon and watch my room. It's always been empty, actually. It doesn't make much difference. I close my eyes and let tears flow for the last time. It will be the last time I ever cry in this room. This pillow was the only counselor and friend I ever had. But I'll find a new one. A new pillow, I mean.

I leave my stuff here packed to come and get it anytime. If I have the time, I'll leave today. It's early. I can still get any train. Mmm... I can't believe I'm already thinking about trains and journeys, but it had to be sooner or later. And the sooner the better.

----------

As we make our slow way to the hospital, in silence of course, I realize she's been carrying a bag all along. What's she thinking, that we're going on a picnic or something? I guess this visit is making her more excited than you would expect a normal person to, but oh well, you know how she is...

"What are you carrying there?" I ask just for pure curiosity. Not that I care for making conversation with her.

"Huh?! Ah... Nothing!" She blushes like usual and holds her bag closer to her body. Well, it's her secret. Big deal.

"Okay..." I answer simply. I didn't mind in the first place. If she doesn't wanna tell me, I couldn't care less.

"I..." She tries to start speaking, as we keep on walking, and I try to ignore her stammering. "I saved some food for Yoh-san... So when he wakes up, he has something to eat... You don't mind... Do you?"

"I thought it was nothing." I tell her raising an eyebrow. Apparently, intimidating her is way easier than I used to think. And if she wants to bring you breakfast, good thing. You don't like the hospital food and... And yeah, she's your favourite cook.

"Mm... I... lied..." She sighs in embarrassment. I know what's coming now. "I'm so sorry!"

"Just shut up! You can bring him food every time you wish, you can even feed him like a baby if you want to! You can do whatever you want with him 'cause he's not mine anymore! He's yours now!"

As I finish my yelling I realize we're now in front of the hospital, so I enter and leave her paralyzed behind me.

I can't believe I just said all that. I guess I've been wishing to say it and couldn't find the right occasion, so I had to yell it when I got mad, like I always do. But, everything I yelled was true... Almost... I am mad at her for apologizing all the time, and I truly don't mind if she wants to bring you breakfast. But... If you and her were together... Argh. I can't think about that. It's... It's... You would look cute but... It would be wrong. You've always belonged to me, and imagining you with another woman is simply wrong, no matter how happy you would be.

How do you call an emotion

that makes you infinitely sad

because the one you love is happy?

Is it envy, jealousy

or maybe the void feeling

that you'll never fit in the happy ending?

I go over to the receptionist and repeat the whole process. This time it's a different receptionist, so it's like starting all over.

"He's been moved to room 106. He's been under observation so your visit must be short and just one person at the time."

"Ok." I start thinking about it for a moment. If visits are allowed now, it means that you're awake and relatively fine. What am I gonna do now? What am I supposed to say? What if you actually heard all the things I said last night and ask for an explanation? Well, you wouldn't really do that, but it'd still be awkward. "Tamao, you go first."

"M-Me?" She asks all surprised as always. I didn't even realize when she entered but whatever... It's the best solution by now. After she goes to see you, I'll know exactly how you are and what I can do next. It will give me time to think about every word I'll say.

"Yes, you. Now go and come back soon."

"But-But I can't!"

"Yes you can, this is what you really wanted. 106. Go. Now!" I push her towards the stairs and order her to go.

"What if-?"

"You'll be fine, just go before I change my mind!" Now she runs up the stairs to go to see you. I turn around and see a new addition of people staring at me. Yeah, now everyone knows crazy old me. I'm gonna be so popular between the ill...

I sit between two of those, as usual, and pick a magazine. A really, really old magazine, but oh well. At least I'm in the mood of reading, unlike yesterday. Well... not really... I'm actually just trying to escape from my fate. When Tamao finishes I'll be next. I mean, it's not obligatory but I came here for a reason and I'm supposed to do something. I was supposed to come to visit you but I don't dare. I don't know if I can stand going there again. What am I supposed to say to you? What if you're mad at me for causing you all of this? I mean, normally you wouldn't just be mad at me, but you must be so sad and disappointed. I can't ask her either, it's not normal. This was a bad idea. I don't know why I came...

Ok... I need to calm down. I'll be fine. I'll go, see you, ask you how you've been... How you've been? What kind of question is that? It's obvious how you've been... You were in a coma state, that's how you've been... Ok... I will ask something like... 'How are you feeling?'... Yeah, that's totally... cliché. But it will work, right? 'How are you feeling?' and then 'Ok, see you home' and problem solved.

What am I thinking? I won't see you home. I'm supposed to be leaving as soon as you're released so you don't have to spend another second next to me. I sigh. I need to get rid of all this tension. How long has she been there? The visit was supposed to be short. Oh, it's been a minute.

Good... Means I'm thinking faster. I've been flipping through the pages like a psycho, not really reading anything, just burying myself in my endless desperation.

You know, I'm not even gonna go there. Then what's the point of coming anyway? I didn't come here just so she could see you. Or did I? No, I had planned to come before inviting her. I'm here to see you, but what for? Why do I want to see you if I don't have a reason to? I close the magazine and throw it where it was with the rest and look at the clock again. Great, another minute. Isn't that too long? What can you two possibly be talking about during two whole minutes?!

But am I out of my mind? I'm leaving today. Leaving you for good. Forever. I'm not supposed to be jealous for you two, I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be glad that you'll be with the only person that could love you as much as I do, and who will even take care of you and protect you. Why? Why couldn't I ever be a little more like her, before all this happened? Why did I have to wait for this whole thing to happen to make me realize that the only way I could possibly make you happy was actually leaving you? Why couldn't it have been any other way?

I feel the increasing urge to... I don't know what. To slap myself, to turn back time and make it all different. I can't be here anymore. Not right now. Not here. Not like this. I quickly get up from my place and run outside the hospital, probably bringing even more stares over me. I'm crying out loud, like the little baby girl I've always been and tried to hide; and running as fast as I can to the place I still dare call home.

Why didn't I see it before? Why can't I just go back to the time when we met to avoid it from happening? Why do I have to love you and make you love me so bad? Why does it have to be so painful? Why can't I just disappear along with all memories of me? I arrive to En in the blink of an eye, and it's only when I stop that I realize how tired I am. I'm tired of running, both literally and symbolically.

I enter the house and go upstairs to pick up my suitcase, take my raincoat, my umbrella and some money, looking at the house for the last time. No. I can't go back now. I must leave now that I have the feeling before it disappears and I back down. I walk as fast as I can to the bus stop, where I'll take a bus to the train station, which will lead me home. My previous home and my new one. I won't say goodbye. It will just make it harder. I'll disappear and we'll never meet again.

And if you find out where I am, I doubt you will look for me. And if you ever do, I'll hide somewhere else.

Suicidal thoughts won't do...

since death doesn't necessarily mean the end.

After a couple of minutes, the bus of my destiny arrives. As I get on it, I feel something weird inside of me besides the pain. It's obviously not the joy of a new start, neither it's any kind of thrill. I've felt it before... It's... Fear.

_'I'm not afraid of anything'_

Yes you are, you idiot. You're afraid of yourself like you're afraid of him. You're afraid of him loving you, and you're afraid of him hating you. You're afraid of anything that involves both you and him. You're afraid of starting over, and you're afraid of continuing. You're afraid of the darkness, but you're also afraid to discover the light. You're an idiot and you don't know what you want, so just deal with it! It's over... It's over...

When I get to the train station, still keeping my goal in mind, I go to buy my ticket. Luckily I have enough money, though it's not really mine. But if Kino-sensei sent us this money while we were living together, I guess I have some kind of right over it. Then, I get a little not pleasant surprise.

"There are no trains for Aomori until 2 pm."

"But..." I look at the clock that's hanging on the station's wall. "It's barely 10 am!"

"I know... Sorry, but there's nothing we can do."

Great. Now I'll have four whole hours to do nothing except looking at people come and go. How exciting... I sit on a bench like the rest and just stay there, looking at others and complaining to myself. This is exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want to waste more time. I could be on that train right now heading to my hometown, but no... Instead, I'm stuck at the station with nothing to do except think and complain. I close my eyes and try to make the pain go away, but it doesn't. Why? What do I have to do to make it go? Well, they say time heals everything, so I'll just wait for that moment to come and erase the painful feelings.

_'Why me?'_

That question still remains unanswered. 'Because I love you' is not a proper answer. Not the one I'd be expecting. Then, what was I expecting? It doesn't matter anymore. I'm gone and that's all.

I won't return again, so I need to let it go. It's not like you chose me anyway. We both know that this wasn't something we asked for. It was just a coincidence of the destiny that you appeared when I needed you the most. It wasn't meant to be this way. This was just one of those arranged marriages and... and I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. This is all but meant to be. When two people just don't belong together you're not supposed to force them, but... I seriously must stop. It will be alright from now on, why can I just believe myself?

It's hard to believe how many things happened in just a couple of days, it's hard to tell how much I've changed in that short amount of time. My mind is so tired right now, I can't even think straight. But when I take that train and go back home, everything will be much clearer. Kino-sensei will understand. Of course. I must keep telling myself that and everything will be alright... Right?

I really need to rest. I need it so bad. I think that's the main reason why I unexplainably fell asleep and didn't wake up until hours later. My mind has been so puzzled and confused lately that I just need to take a break. This trip is more of a break than anything else. It's like some sort of escape. My life was much more simple back then, and I just wanna go to that previous stage. I close my eyes and try to just sense the wind and let my worries go away. Now I have the permission to...

----------

Once again, I drifted to dreamland without realising it... I quickly open my eyes when I notice I'm awake and look around. Did I miss the train? No, I would have heard it if it had arrived. There are still the same people, but also, something else. I wake up in time just to see... No way. I must be sleeping still.

I close my eyes again so I can eventually wake up. I'm not going to do anything in this dream until I wake up. I open them quickly to see if anything has changed, but it's still the same. I look at the clock. It's 12pm. There's no way I could have slept for two whole hours. Plus, why would you be here anyway??

"What on earth are you doing here??!!" I yell at you, getting up from my spot on a jump. If it's a dream, it's ok, nothing will happen. If it's not, it's ok, I'm entitled to ask!

"Oh, hi. I didn't see you there." You say so tranquilly sitting next to the place I was just at. What the...? "I am going to Aomori too."

"How do you even know I'm going there?!" Those words you said hit me like a stone. First of all, aren't you supposed to have just recovered? Second, where in the world is your luggage? And third, who told you I was going there? I never told anyone.

"Mmm... I thought you had said so... But I guess I was wrong." You answer smiling, as simple as that. When did I...?

_"I will never let you sacrifice yourself for me again, and for that... I'm going to step out of the way. When your family finds out that this was my entire fault they will probably not want us together anyway... And it's alright like that. I think it's the best solution. I will return to my 'home' and... I will set you free..."_

Oh... That's when. Stupid me.

"Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital or... home?" I ask you not yet knowing what kind of emotion this is. It's a strange cocktail of fright, shock, happiness and a little of 'what the hell'.

"Yeah... I'm kind of supposed to be home by now but... I have some things to do in Aomori". You answer tranquilly almost as you were telling the truth. What kind of plan is this? Are you stalking me?

"Really?" I ask and you nod. "Then where in the world is your luggage?"

"I don't need any. I still have a room to stay at my grandma's house." Now the feeling gets more complicated. It's full of awkwardness and rage. I'm not responsible for my following reactions to that.

Incredibly, nothing happens. I just give one heavy sigh and turn my head around, like I'm expecting the train to come out just like that. Yeah, just two more hours. I should do something productive with this time but there's nothing to distract myself. I don't even have a book, or a magazine, or... or... a cell phone like everyone else. I already slept, so that's not an option.

And I have slept a lot. Maybe I'm sick of something. Sleeping so much can't be normal. I have my arms and legs crossed as usual and I'm looking everywhere except at your direction. I'm mad at you. I'm terribly mad at you for making this so hard. It was easy. I'd leave and you'd stay. I'd get a life and you'd get yours. Now we're sharing a train. Great. Or maybe that won't even happen. Maybe you just wanna make me believe that so we can sit and talk, and I can yell at you and you can grin foolishly and we can go back to our lives. Well, that's not gonna happen.

"So you're REALLY going?" I finally break the silence and decide to look at you.

"Sure." You smile and show me your ticket. Tsk, I don't need this. So you actually wasted your money on a ticket you'll never use. Or will you? No, you can't go. That's insane! I don't want you to follow me. It will just make things harder than they already are.

"Really?" I ask again, this time more serious.

"Yeah..."

"Then I'm not going!!" I yell finally before I get up and start walking in the opposite direction. Once again, I make everyone stare, not exactly for very good reasons.

"So you were just running away from me?" You ask me from your spot in a calmed, natural voice. I freeze instantly. I'm too easy to see through. You're not stupid, you know exactly what I've been doing lately. Running away from you. What am I supposed to say now?

"Yes." I answer ever so honestly, and with that said, I dramatically run away like in those stupid movies. Just that this time I really really don't want you to find me. I want to run away, as far as I possibly can, and never appear again. Ever. I don't want to see you again, not because I hate you, but because it would hurt both of us so much.

Hey, that sounds a lot like the reverse version of Ringo's song... Now I know why I've always liked it so much...

I'm tired of running. I stop in the middle of nowhere and catch my breath again. I start walking slowly to clear my mind and think about some solution. I wonder how you're doing right now...

God, I did it again. I left you alone again. I... I had promised I never would but then I took it back and promised that I'd leave you for good... What do I really want? What am I supposed to do with you?

Let you go...

That's what I'm supposed to do.

I have to let go. I have to... I have to leave you and pretend you never knew me. But I can't do that. You don't know what I'm planning, so you'll just keep following me like a dog. Because that's what you learned. That's what I made you learn: You belong to me. But not anymore, Yoh. Maybe the best will be to talk to you and tell you why I'm doing this.

When I start to recognize some of the road I start running, wishing it's the one I think it is. It is, the road back to the station. When I come back to it, you're still there, sitting in the same spot. Great. Now what? Should I run again? No. Never again. Just... Just do it.

"You're still here." I point the obvious while looking at you and then the clock. 12:15. Damn it the stupid train will never come. I sit next to you with my arms crossed and try to ignore you, also ignoring my idea of talking to you and telling you what's on my mind.

"Yeah... I... wasn't gonna run... you know... I can't..." You try to explain me. I'm not asking you why you didn't follow me. The whole idea of running away was too goddamn stupid. I didn't get anywhere and neither did you. It was simply stupid.

"And... You shouldn't travel either." I answer you as mad as usual. I should take advantage of the long, long time we have to wait here to tell you to back off, but I don't dare. I'm supposed to face anything without showing any fear, but... I am an afraid little girl after all. I hate the idea, but it's true.

"I know, but I really need to do this." You know, I'm actually starting to buy the whole story of you going to Aomori for a real reason. I can't fall for that, but you're insisting on it way too much. I... Really need to know what's gonna happen now, and I have to start somewhere.

"And this... emergency trip couldn't wait until you fully recovered?" I ask with the only intention of finding information. Valuable information I can use as an excuse to tell you why I'm leaving and this is over, though I don't know what exactly is over.

"You don't have to worry about that." You say smiling as always, making me just a little nervous. I hate it when you do that, it makes me feel so weak. "I'm fine."

"You just got out from the hospital, you could have died. You're not fine..." For some time, I actually thought I had lost you forever. And as crazy and mean as it seems, it would have been easier than this. But it's much better for you, I know how much you love this horrible world.

"I am. The doctors told me to rest but... I will rest at grandma's." Then I realize that we'll spend this whole two hours just talking about the same thing, so I have to go straight to topic. I look away so I won't have to face you, and take a deep breath before I start speaking.

"Yoh..."

"What?"

"I don't want you to follow me..."

"And I don't want you to run away from me."

I close my eyes when I hear you say that. I'm not turning back now. It's been too much. If we keep on going like this, this cycle is never going to end. It's got to end now. We have to go separate ways. But why... Why can't I simply tell you that?

"I'm not running away."

"You just said so a while ago." I hate it when you contradict me, especially when you're right. I hate being wrong, it makes things harder. Even harder.

"Ok. I am. I admit I am running away from you. Happy?" For a moment I turn to look at you and then I turn back again.

"Alright. And I admit I'm following you." Now I just turn to give you one of my killing stares, but you just smile childishly like we're playing something.

"Do you think it's a game?"

"Nope."

"I'm leaving and you're not coming with me, ok?!"

"No." Another killing stare, and another sweet smile. Ok, killing stares are not working today... What do I do now? Just... I just need to speak with the truth, right?

"What is wrong with you?! Why aren't you resting at home like you're supposed to?! Why do you have to follow me lately, when you never even cared about where or how I was before?!" I finally get a reaction different from the never ending smiling cycle. It's a surprised expression, the one that usually means you're finally getting my attention.

"Because..." You say after the surprise is gone and we're both calmed down. "I'm not afraid of you anymore."

Now I'm the one shocked. What was that supposed to mean? You're looking right into my eyes and I'm looking back, and there's no hint of awkwardness or fear in them.

"What..." I try to put my ideas together in a coherent sentence, so I really don't care what I sound like. "...does that have to do with anything?"

"A lot." The happy stupid smile is back and I'm getting mad again. I demand an explanation. Now.

"You see, before, I wanted to follow you, be around you, take care of you, but I couldn't. I was scared that you would just kill me for whatever reason. But now... That I know you would never end with my life I can do all of that without having to worry."

I know how my face looks now. Puzzled. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think. I don't even know how that is supposed to make me feel.

"I... I can still kill you." I say trying to recover my confidence and strength, like I was desperately trying to make you fear me again.

"I know you can... But you_ wouldn't_."

I feel so powerless now. I didn't know words could actually mean so much. All I needed was to hear those to feel like I'm unarmored and defenceless. The most incredible part is that I don't feel hurt. I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's soothing, it's weird, it's unexplainably calming. It's like all my years of efforts were thrown away and it doesn't matter.

And now that you're not afraid of me... Does it matter? What has changed? Well, I got my questions answered that's for sure. So... what do I want now?

"I'm still leaving." Even though I can't freak you out anymore, that won't erase the painful memories I've caused you. So you won't have to see me ever again. Your life will be much happier without me in it.

"Me too..."

"But, you really don't have to!" This is so exasperating. How can I make you just stop and let me leave? What do I have to do?!

"Neither do you."

"I do! I need to get away from all of this and leave you alone so you can have the life you always wanted! Why don't you understand?!" I can't believe what I just said. The words just came out so easily, flowing like water. It took me all this time of pain, suffering and doubts to end up with this small conversation about nothing, which led us to this point. I don't get it.

"I can't let that happen."

"You can and you will. You have to stop it right now. It's been too much!" I'm just too tired of hiding it, of fighting against these mixed up feelings. I have to let go, as soon as possible.

"Why?" You're behaving like a stubborn child. And you know the only reason why I won't beat you up is because you were about to die just yesterday.

"Because it's not good! Because it's been hurting you so much! Because you're suffering! Because it's my fault you were in such a bad condition! Because I'm the one who has caused you most part of your life's pain!" I scream out loud, once again bringing all eyes on me. I don't care anymore who's watching. Nothing will matter anymore. Nothing.

Yet, you're not even a little surprised or, why not, frightened now. You just look down before saying the next words.

"Yeah, but... If you go, then who's gonna tell me what to do?"

"No one! That's the point! You will do whatever you want..." God, why do you have to be so weird?

"And how will I know it's good for me?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not your mother!"

"I know." Again, a silly smile and a sweet voice tone. Is that your plan to stop me? "But you've always known how to take care of me, at your own way."

"By beating you up? By putting you through an inhuman training? By letting you do absolutely all the housework? That's how I've taken care of you?"

"At some level, yes."

"That doesn't make sense! I don't even know why I'm talking to you!" I turn around again and look at the empty space where the train must be in a couple of hours. I really don't want to hear you now, but now I'm 100 positive you will follow me all around the world.

"If..." You start talking again, ignoring the fact I'm not gonna answer. "If it wasn't _you,_ I would be dead by now. If it wasn't for all of that hell, and inhuman treatment, I don't think I'd be strong or clever enough to face the world. I don't think anyone else would ever push me that hard, and if that someone else ever let me get away with mine, I'd certainly be dead, because my idea is never a good idea."

"So?" I say almost in a whisper, not quite sure if I want you to hear it or not.

"So... That's why I chose you, among all the people in the world."

"Is that all?"

"Nope. There's something else." As you say that and never finish the sentence, even though I told myself I wasn't talking to you, I see myself forced to ask.

"What is it?"

"If you want to know, you'll have to stay." I should have guessed. Another stupid kids' game. I am NOT falling for that one. I already got the answer to my question. I know, I always knew the only reason why we were together was because you needed me to make you stronger and all that... It's not because... of anything else. You would never have feelings for me, and yet I would always love you and keep it for myself.

"I don't think it's necessary for me to stay. After all, you're not afraid of me anymore, so I don't think you'll obey me and thus this won't work already."

"I think you're wrong..." Me, wrong? Now what? What is your plan anyway? I still don't get it.

"Am I?" I ask not really interested in the answer, for I know it will be absurd.

"Yep, fear is not the only thing that makes you obey someone." Yeah... So what? That has nothing to do with us... Does it?

"Yeah I know... But if you follow me you're still gonna regret it, not because I'll kill you, but because nothing good will come out of it."

"I'm almost sure something good will come out of it. I always get something good out of my journeys." Even though I'm not looking at you right now, I'm sure you're smiling like the idiot you are. I can sense you're looking at me pretending that I will turn around and say you're right.

"Whatever. Even if you follow me, you'll never see me again."

"Why do you say that?"

"Just because." I have the right to have a secret, right? God, I'm so coward I can't even tell you why I don't wanna see you again.

"Okay... We will eventually have to meet when the time comes..." 'When the time comes'... What time? Why can't you just say things clearly?

"No, the time won't come." I say trying to sound convincing. "We will never have to meet again, because I will ask for the engagement to be broken, so there's no point in me staying around you if you won't be my husband."

Yeah, that was convincing. And firm. I'm improving.

"You will ask for the engagement to be broken?" You ask me sort of surprised, so I see it had the effect I was expecting.

"Yes, I have a list of reasons on why they should listen to me." Well, that's not true, but it's certainly convincing. Maybe that will scare you away.

"So... You're going to Aomori to ask for that?"

"Yes."

"I thought you were going to stay there."

"Maybe I will, maybe I'll go somewhere else." Yeah, that could be enough to make you go away.

"But..." Now that I feel confident enough, I turn to see you and make my also confident question.

"But what?"

"We're not engaged anymore."

"What?" I ask tranquilly trying to get a coherent explanation.

"Ever since the SF was postponed, we're not engaged. My family said that since they didn't know how much I would live on till it would come around, it was better if I just picked my own destiny."

What do I say now? What do I think now? I'm blank... I'm... I'm...

"WHAT?!" I yell in the frustration of my ignorance. "Why did you never tell me?!"

If it wasn't because you just came out of the hospital, I would beat you up for sure.

"Mmm... I guess because I didn't want this to happen." You know what, I don't care. I yell one more time and just give you one slap with my right, lost in my cocktail of surprise, shame, and desperation.

"And how long were you going to wait to tell me?!" I can feel all my veins popping up at the same time and I know how red my face must be. For several reasons.

"I... I wasn't really going to tell you."

"Were you gonna keep me around against my will for no reason? Why would you do such thing?!"

"I thought it wasn't necessary." You say tranquilly, contradictory considering the mark on your cheek I left as a souvenir.

"It wasn't necessary?! Sure, why wouldn't you tell me?!"

"Because... Because..." And you still say you're not afraid of me anymore, and you're always acting all nervous when I'm around.

"Because what?!" I yell one last time, practically leaving you deaf.

"Because I knew we were going to be together anyway, because I would still choose you over anyone else, because I would ask you to marry me one day anyway!" You say all quickly, blushing and looking down all the while. Good thing you're not looking at me right now, for I must be blushing as much as well. Too bad we have a crowd. We always do.

Now again, I don't know how I am supposed to react to that. I'm not even trying to set a barrier. I truly don't know how to react. Especially that whole last part. What did it mean to you and what should it mean to me?

"You... still had to tell me... It would have been different if I knew..." I say trying to sound as confident and sure of my words as possible.

"Really?"

"Yes, I... I would have left long ago before all this happened..." Thinking about it, I'm not sure of what I would have done if I had known before. I have no idea.

"Then, good thing you didn't know." You say in a happy tone, and I immediately turn to see you for no particular reason. I am aware that there are some hints of crying in my face but I really don't care anymore. Everything stopped making sense a while ago. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry." I say as, well, sorry, as ever. In this very same moment where nothing makes sense, is when things are getting clearer. It's like a weight has been lifted.

"What for?"

"For everything. For causing you so much pain during your whole life, for always treating you so bad, for leaving you alone when you have needed me, and for-"

"I know." How can you just not do anything else except smiling to me? How can you have no other reaction? "You already said so."

"No, I haven't. This is the first time I ever apologize in my life." I highly dislike being contradicted, especially when I'm right.

"You have. Last night, when I was sleeping. You said all that." Last night when... Do you mean when...? So that means you heard everything I said, and also… I can feel my cheeks turn even redder, but now I know there's no point turning around.

"But you don't need to apologize. It's ok."

"No, it's not ok, that's the point! It's not ok at all!" You don't have to be so sweet all the time…

"It's fine. It wouldn't be the same if you weren't you."

"What does that mean?" Did I just say that out loud? Well, it was time.

"That if you just changed the way you are, I would miss you a lot. That's the same reason why I don't want you to go." Now you're the one who's looking somewhere else. I guess this feeling is equally horrible for both of us. But, who cares, you just said… You would miss me?

"You... Really love suffering, don't you?" I try to guess or explain myself why you still want me to be around, despite all the over mentioned pain.

"No." You laugh a little and then manage to say. "I... Really love _you_."

Ignoring the most recent declaration, and also my own reactions, I answer. "It's the same."

"No, you see... When I was still afraid of you, I thought the only reason why I would do anything you wanted was just because of the fear of being killed." I find myself listening atently to your talking, even though I have already said that I won't listen to you. "But, after that feeling was gone, I realized that the only reason why I would do anything to make you happy was just because I love you, and-"

"And that has been your answer for everything since then." I cut you off, finally believing it and letting it sink in.

"Yeah, exactly." You say smiling again and I look down. What do I do now? I feel like... Maybe I should just do whatever I want, but I don't know what that is, so I just stay here. Now... I guess everything has been cleared, so I have no doubts. So what do I do now? I lived from my doubts. They were my excuse for not expressing my true feelings, and now that they're gone, what's my big excuse?

None.

This horrible and yet beautiful feeling

that love is,

is starting to purify,

and actually

I had never felt better in my whole life…

"So..." You continue. "...Where are we going?"

After thinking it for a simple moment, a simple moment that was deep enough to make me compress everything that has happened recently, accept it, believe it and embrace it, I finally let go of this immense guilt and regret and simply, draw a small smile on my lips and answer just one word.

"Home."

----------

I have been trying to assimilate what has happened in this last days, and after having a mix of so different emotions, it has finally been reduced to one: Happiness. I am finally, truly happy. For a long time I just held on to my doubts as a way to protect myself, not knowing that I was just hiding from my own wonderful feelings, but now I'm free, I'm clean and I'm happy. Just happy.

As we walk back home, I think about how much I've experienced and felt in these last days, and it was all worth it. I am finally sure about my feelings and yours, and all that is left is pure expectation. Then, when we are just about two blocks away, it starts raining yet again, but this time it doesn't matter. I know I can bear the rain, and will never get sick again, for I don't have to bear it alone.

"Yoh..."

"Yes?"

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" I ask out of the blue, for no reason in particular, except the idea of feeling as comfortable as last time.

"Sure. You can sleep there every night if you want to."

"Well, not every night." I answer changing the tone.

"Why not?" You ask a little confused.

"I'm not ready for that yet." I answer walking ahead of you and leaving you with the hint.

Not until I get a ring on my finger...

----------

The End, finally XD

----------

Yay!!! I finished!! God! I thought this day would never come. I had the biggest writers' block ever! o.O I really like the way it turned out at the end when I got out of my block, thanks to the Real Rain!! It hadn't rained in my city since chapter 1, imagine that! o.O How can I write "Rain Walk" without rain? I don't know, rain is so inspiring...

Anyway! I'll be biting my nails waiting for final reviews. If there is anything you'd like to ask or comment you can always (besides leaving reviews, of course) PM me and say what's on your mind. And I mean seriously do it! Don't just stay hanging when you can ask me anything that wasn't quite clear in the story. n.n

I want to thank all of you guys for reading, if it wasn't for you I would have stopped right there at chapter 1. Thanks for reading, reviewing, supporting and everything else... I'm so emotional T.T

Hope to see you around some new story, take good care, bye!


End file.
